Rapture!

21st May, 2011! The day all the Fundamentalist Christians in America get Raptured.

If you don't already know about this, it's the belief that Jesus will take all his Living Saints up to Heaven, alive and kicking, in a single glorious and rapturous moment.  It's based on something Saint Paul said, so I believe.  Let me see if I can find it for you:

"The primary passage used to support the idea of the Rapture is 1 Thessalonians 4:15-17, in which Paul cites "the word of the Lord" about the return of Jesus to gather his saints.

... and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

How they managed to squeeze the time and date of it out of that is, gosh, highly commendable, but will that be Eastern Standard Time or West Coast time?  And May 21st 2011? It seems a little strange, doesn't it, but I do know I'm excited.  There's a Funk Party that night at Grappas. Works for me!

In fact, here's a choice: a Funk Night at Grappas OR flying up into the sky preceded by all the corpses of all the Christians who have ever died.

And here's a thought: If "the dead" includes the very recently dead, wouldn't that be a health hazard?  I mean, there you are, up in the clouds with all these corpses, Raptured and basking in the Glory of Christ and the next thing you know you've got the Bubonic Plague?  And Living Dead?  Those are zombies, right?  A sky full of plague-bearing zombies basking in the Glory of Christ?

A Funk Night at Grappas is looking pretty good now, isn't it!

Wendy's talking about putting together Post-Rapture Looting Parties and initially I thought that was a great idea, but then came the stumbling block: I doubt there's a single possession owned by Fundamental American Christians that I'd care to loot.

Bad art?  Muscle cars?  Ugly furniture? Ugly shoes? Beef jerky? McMansions? Trailer homes? Caches of serious weaponry? I already own a big screen TV and don't have space for more of them.

Porch swings?  YES!!!  I love porch swings!  Folks, give me dibs on any porch swings you loot.

Oh, oh, oh, and even better, I want any pieces of burned toast that look like the face of Jesus!  I'll  mosaic a wall with them and call it "Stupid People Love Jesus Too: A Tribute!"

Now if it were Catholics being Raptured, I'd be in there madly looting all the cathedrals, but American Fundamentalist Methodists and their ilk have really ugly church paraphernalia, don't they, and I wouldn't give house-room to anything I've ever seen, not even the stained glass windows, and normally I LOVE stained glass windows!  

However, let's look at the good side of this.  If all the Fundamentalist American Christians get taken, there goes the KKK, the IQ of that country will go up, Science will be able to be taught seriously, arms sales will drop off to practically nothing, and I'm sure we'll see the return of The Electric Car within weeks!

Now I'm really excited!  I even want to work out the time differences - and if you knew how much I hate maths, you'll appreciate how strongly I feel about this! - so I can set my alarm clock in order to be awake to look skywards and see them go.  In the mock-up videos it looks pretty spectacular and I wouldn't want to miss it!

Roll round midday May 21st!!  And you can buy the T-shirts HERE!

Now if only Jesus, in his infinite wisdom, would simultaneously take all the Fundamentalist Muslims, all we sane people on this planet can get on with the Living in Peace and Harmony business ...

... at least until 2024! That Aztec Doomsday Prophecy is looking mighty creepy, isn't it!