Mango Madness!

Today, here in HK, the weather is beautiful. No blue skies, sure, but it's finally cool. At last!

In fact, now that I notice it, that sky is the strangest mother-of-pearl/ opal-esque colour ...



... which usually means there's a cyclone somewhere in the region ...

... let me check this out:

Ah, the poor Philippines again I see. They are so taking a battering lately, aren't they! And I read yesterday that they're back on the list of "Poorest of the Poor" Nations, thanks to their recent series of run-ins with the capricious Weather Gods!

But here in HK, the Weather Gods appear to have taken pity on us and our months of intense and insane heat appear to be finally over. Mother Nature has turned down the thermostat and it appears, yaayyy, Autumn has finally arrived.

Touch wood!

It's been six months of hell-on-earth, with a daily 35 degrees centigrade (95 degrees Fahrenheit), and although I've known worse, when you factor in the pollution and how your sweat feels all greasy and gritty, it's just its own special kind of vileness. And, sure, we were away for one month of it but that just made it worse when we got back.

Remember how we used to complain in Fiji on those rare occasions when the Tradewinds stopped blowing and heat reached above 28 (82 Fahrenheit)? Seldom happened for more than two weeks a year. Gosh, those Weather Gods spoiled us. Happy days!

But the worst heat I've known would definitely be in the Australian Outback. There'd be days when the temperature topped 50 and there was even one day when it reached 55 (that's an incredible 131 fahrinheit) in the classroom. And we had no air-conditioning. Politicians said we didn't need it because the school was designed to catch sea breezes but with the nearest sea 1000 km to the north, good luck with that! And the breezes we did get were always burning eddies of searing grit, and it would feel like you were being simultaneously sand-blasted and blow-torched; so unpleasant we had to keep the windows shut.

Using fans didn't work either since that would just circulate blocks of hot air. I'm not kidding. You could actually be hit by the edges of these blocks and it felt genuinely physical and burned too, so on the hottest days we preferred the fans off.

It was madness. Heat like you wouldn't believe and yet they wouldn't permit air-conditioning. We'd complain and petition, and the politicians would turn up in The Outback in August, in mid-winter, and go through the schools and say "This is very pleasant.  I don't know what you're complaining about!" however they did strike a deal with teachers that we didn't have to teach when the temperature in the classrooms reached 50c, and frequently the union rep would come running through the school saying "It's 50. All out! All out!" and we'd all go "We are NOT going outside in that!" and "Would you consider us OUT if we just lie here on the floor and DIE!"

OK, definitely NOTHING tops that for the worst heat I've ever known.

Although, there was that time in Townsville! The legendary four months (1999?) when temperatures reached 45 (113 Fahrinheit) every single day, and everyone went barking mad! Truly! Psychiatrists termed it "Mango Madness" and actually registered it as a Seasonal Affective Disorder. Keith started a Ukulele and Banjo Band and they actually got gigs, and you don't need more than that to demonstrate how crazy everyone got. And my two rottweillers spent entire days in the fishpond with only their noses above the water, like hippos. So then, yeah, yeah, came the long months of treating them for eye infections, so I guess being a hippo isn't natural for dogs.

Me? After two months I finally broke and went "OK. OK. We can get air-conditioning." Before that, I was forever quoting mum that you didn't need air-conditioning in the tropics; that everything could be done with cross-ventilation and fans. But two months into Mango Madness and I was done! But then came the hunt for an air-conditioner because the town had completely sold out and there were waiting lists for every unit to be shipped in for the next two years. Finally, after two weeks of pleading every place, we got a call from one of the shops saying someone had brought one back because they'd privately shipped in a much bigger unit, and  "We'll take it!"

With such a small unit, we could only do one bedroom, but that was enough. Especially for our rottweilers! They instantly grasped the concept, and instantly gave up being hippos, and so that unit ran day-and-night and we'd barely see them, lying in there, thankfully on the floor, behind shut doors, growling dangerously if you ever tried to toss them out.

If you've ever had rottweilers - and I highly recommend it - you'll know that it's a constant war for dominance. They are natural bullies, so, because they generally weigh more than you do and can take you down any time they choose, it's imperative to stay Alpha. Since I wasn't prepared to beat them or be cruel to them, I read a great many books about "Dog Whispering" and thus could Alpha them like crazy ... and knew that the main strategy was to never let them into your bedroom. Keep your bedroom as Alpha-land, and they know who's boss!

So this bedroom-thing was a real problem. But the alternative was 'hippo-ing' and that horrible recurring eye infection and all the constant fussing and vetting and wiping and creaming. Yuck!

And, yeah, another dog-whisperer trick is to put your forehead on their forehead, and if they don't rip your face off, you're the boss. And you have to do this regularly to reassert your authority, but with those infected eyes, I wasn't prepared to put my face anywhere near theirs, so ... yes, they started threatening us ... so ...

... with that constantly there rehearsing Ukulele and Banjo Band and a pair of truly scary dogs, if I ever had to nominate the worst heat I've known in my life, it would be that legendary four months in Townsville of Mango Madness!

So Hong Kong, even at it's worst - and these past six months have been it's worst - doesn't even come close!