Sunday, June 29, 2008

PLACES I'VE BEEN!

Was having fun doing this until I realised there comes a point when the number of destinations starts to seem pretentious!

Oooohh, see how many destinations I've been to! Gosh, me well traveled! That's when I stopped pinning.

Look, if you feel I need to apologise, get over it! I refuse to say I'm sorry. We grew up in the British Colonial Service and so we got around. And don't expect me to feel either pretentious or bad about it. It's just a fact of my life.

And I'm more than willing to share advice on anyplace I've been if you plan to go there yourself and wish to know more ... mind you, I may be talking about, say, Port Morsby in the 1960s where any advice I gave you would end up being very, very dangerous since it desperately isn't the same place today as it was then, but for what it's worth, it's there if you need it!






Saturday, June 28, 2008

Adopting Children in China!

CHINA-CHILD SOURCING FAMILIARISATION


I have never personally sourced a child in China and have absolutely no authority to post this but if you are thinking about or about to go through the process of adopting a child from China and you're thinking that it seems like a too-mammoth and too-scary enterprise, here's something to help you orientate yourself to what you'll be going through:

First off, you will be going to Shamian Dao to do so since this is the only point from which foreigners can adopt.

Samian Dao

This is a small island in the Pearl River in the Mainland Chinese city of Guangzhou and I must tell you that this island is absolutely sublime. If you want to know what you'll be seeing and doing, read the posting in my blog archives by pressing this link:

Shamian Dao

And if that doesn't work, try cut-and-paste of this:

http://travels-with-denise.blogspot.com/2008/04/shamiam-dao-china.html

I think, once you've seen and read all this, you'll realise it's not even marginally a hardship to go stay a while in Shamian Dao. In fact, you'll be considering yourself very blessed indeed.

While there, you will be staying at The White Swan Hotel and it's just lovely so there's no hardship there either.

White Swan Hotel

It takes a while to get your child - and it's getting tougher and longer all the time - so you will get to know this hotel well. And here's a photo of a little triangle of the world you'll also get to know very, very well:

White Swan Hotel as seen from gates of
the China Child Adoption Agency

Right across the road so it couldn't be more convenient. The American Embassy is right next door and most of the other Embassies are in the vicinity too, so they couldn't make it easier for you if they'd tried.

However, they make sure the process of familiarisation with your chosen child is a slow, careful one as well, so here's something else you'll get to know very well too. Friendship Avenue. Late every afternoon, after the heat of the day is well gone, you get to take your new Chinese child out for a stroll. Most people take them for walks along Friendship Avenue:

Friendship Avenue

And/or stop-off at the local Starbucks for a drink and a bite to eat.

Starbucks outdoor area

And, absolutely by sheer co-incidence, there are several Chinese woman - I've wondered if they are sisters because they all look so alike - who run little stores across the road from the Adoption Triangle above, who speak very good English. They are not connected in any way with this process, except for location and the fact that so many of the to-be-adopted children have melt-downs right outside these ladies shops.

I must say the Adoption Agency doesn't appear to do much to orient these kids about what's happening to them, because they all initially look bemused, upset, puzzled or downright terrified, and the new foreign parents-to-be don't yet share a language with the child so can't discover what the problem is, so it's all fraught and horrible until these genuinely sweet and generous ladies get involved and calm the child down.

I have noticed that a lot of foreign adopters then use them to translate when on their subsequent getting-to-know-each-other walks whenever they want to tell their new child something. It isn't a service these ladies are paid to provide, and they only do it out of the goodness of their hearts. I hope you notice and appreciate that these ladies are just lovely and they are obviously very familiar with the entire process, are totally on your side, and will do their darnedest to get it right for you and your new child:

"Will you tell her
I'm her new mommy?"

"Will you tell him his
name is now Michael!"


Gosh, I wouldn't have these fine ladies patience; always so sweet and willing to help out. Nice, nice people!

And that's all I know of the procedure of child adopting in China. Obviously, there is vastly more to it than this, but I've been to Shamian Dao several times now and, from what I've witnessed, this is just a taste of what to expect, and, really, it isn't a hardship in the slightest.

Good luck in your journey!

The Most Amazing Hotel EVER! Fiji!

Asked Ela what she is up to these days and she sent me this.

Check it out. It is The Most Amazing Hotel in the World. Opens mid-September.

Poseidon Resort

And if that doesn't open for you, you can also try this:

http://www.poseidonresorts.com/poseidon_main.html

Whatcha reckon? Is it absolutely amazing or wot! Ela says it was a bitch to build but, in the final stages, is looking damn good.

Now if there's anyone out there who'll pay me to fly over to Fiji to stay at this hotel and to review it for them - forget vested interests like the fact I've known Ela since I was a kid - I'm on the very next plane to carry out the task!

Friday, June 27, 2008

What Kills Us this Week!

Since I've been away I'm not up on what this week's HK-Panic is about. We did get the tail-end of the Fengshen Typhoon that killed 1,000 in the Philippines, but as the nice old lady in our building said to me yesterday in the lift "HK is happy for typhoons. Because our buildings are solid and well-built we have nothing to worry about, so we like typhoons because they mean we get a holiday."

So this week's panic was definitely not Fengshen. Although it was America's! We had the US Navy in town but the moment they heard of the Fengshen's approach, they took off at high speed leaving Wan Chai littered with their crew! Crew didn't mind, however. The US Navy guys spend so much time in Wan Chai they are used to suddenly being deserted, only this time a bunch of little Thai prossies didn't steal their wallets.

Me personally, my Panic is about this:

Winsiest rabbits I have ever seen!

I was in Shamian Dao, determined that this time I'd get to Peaceful Markets on the other side of the Pearl River and was crossing the skybridge when I saw the sight above. So cute, la? I never knew rabbits came that small and when I stopped to take a photograph, the very nice man took one out of the cage and gave it to me to hold.

Here! Have a rabbit!

It was so cute and I was fondling it when my eye itched so I rubbed it ... and that's when I remembered that Peaceful Markets is Ground Zero for all the species-jump illnesses on earth and, on the grounds that all the modern Chinese plagues always are the ultimate in Post-Modern Irony - cute and harmless that KILLS - and this rabbit was the cutest thing ever! - I just knew this rabbit was a carrier for some brand new killer disease that I'd just introduced into my body. Yeah, I know there's no such thing as a Rabbit Flu Epidemic ... but, since we've been in China we've seen viral species jumps from civet cats (SARS), birds and pigs so who's to say rabbits won't do it too and even if there isn't an epidemic YET ... you know, someone has to be first!

That's when I was overcome by an urge to bigtime wash my hands, and really regretted that I hadn't brought the antisceptic wipes Keith got me to take on this trip ... which I wouldn't bring on the grounds that "I'm not some big sissy-girly-fusspot!" ... so I instantly gave back the rabbit and raced back to Shamian Dao to scrub my hands with the anti-bacterial handwash at the White Swan Hotel.

So once again I didn't get to these 10,000 year old Peaceful Markets. AND I've just developed a nasty cold which is probably psychosomatic ... but which I'm convinced is the first case of a rampant epidemic of Rabbit Flu!

OK, that's my panic ... and I'll get a copy of HK Magazine to tell you what they think is this week's Threatdown ... which definitely won't be the same as mine.

THREATDOWN

Wrong again! They've picked that new Japanese robotic "girlfriend" and say that she's such a great kisser (How do they know that? Ooooh, that is just so creepy!) that no one will ever want a real life girlfriend ever again! Mmmm, plugging a Stepford Wife! As Jim Morrison would say "Journey we more into the nightmare!"

And Speaking of God ...

This forward just arrived and I found it so cute I have to share:


There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

There are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 30
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

And there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Californian:

1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

And 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

And 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 pieces of proof that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a multitude at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Thursday, June 26, 2008

"When God was a Woman"

At the Chen Ancestral Village in Guangzhou, there is a museum at the side in the Chen Hall of Lineages that shows art and craft works by various members of the Chen Dynasty's ancestral lines.
The Museum Entrance

Absolutely amazing stuff in there, and all made by family. Very talented bunch, the Chens, and those talents clearly go back millennium; like zillions of years. Yes, I know they've only got The Very Best in here in order to impress but damn!, it works; I was so very, very impressed.

Anyway, a lot of the artworks are statues of Deities; ones made by ancestral family members way back in the mists of time, to grace the altars or alcoves of various family homes ...

... there's even one that's nearly 10,000 years old: an ancient and primal Goddess statue, about 18 inches tall and really quite African-looking; like with African or Polynesian tapa-patterns all over the base. I did photograph it but I appear to have merely got an image of the flash on the glass.

And it really knocks me sideways to think that these Deity statues have been serving their god-like "bless our family" function for such a very, very long time. And it also knocks me in the other direction to think that something simply made by a family member could be so completely amazing! Among the Chens, "homespun" is also "world class"! Ooh, that soooo blows me away!

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to share. I need to show you two of these Deities. The first is 6,000 years old while the latter is only 400 years old.

Here's the 6,000 year old one:


The Goddess in Repose

And here's the 400 year old one:

The God Buddha in repose!

Can you see the similarities?

I'm not quite sure yet what to make of this but I suspect it could have something to do with the Deity changing sex in the previous six millennium! And we all already know that, don't we! And if we don't, it means we haven't been reading our Merlin Stone!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Bao Mo Gardens, Guangzhou, China

I cannot tell you a thing about Bao Mo Gardens. It was #1 on my list of things I wanted to do in Guangzhou this visit but I was outright forbidden to go!

See, what happened was that, when I was asked by my co-workers what I wanted to see while in their city, I told them "#1 on my list is Bao Mo Gardens!"

They all looked at each other and "There is no such place!" I was told.

"Yes. These are very famous gardens in Panyu District."

They all looked at each other and "That's very far away. Maybe 170 yuan by taxi. Too much. Not worth it!" I was told.

"But these gardens have been listed as in the Top 100 Gardens of China for nearly 600 years. AND in 2007, China put it on the List of 100 Greatest Treasures of China!"

They all looked at each other and "You must not go. You are forbidden to go!" I was told.

Mary gently took me aside. "We are all filled with shame ..." she said "... that you are a stranger to our city and yet you are the first to tell us we have such a Treasure right here. This is why we say you are forbidden. You must not see this Treasure until we have seen it for ourselves or we shall be completely shamed!"

Well, I'm back in Guangzhou in a month and so I kindly conceded them that time ... however, my very next visit I am sooo going to Bao Mo Gardens.

So you too will have to wait to hear all about it. Next month. I promise.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Silliest T-shirt on the Planet: #1

Collette challenged me ages ago to find her "The Worst T-shirt in China". I have hunted far and wide and, yes indeed, there are always so very, very many stupid T-shirts ... and that's the problem! I'm always so spoiled for choice, it's difficult to decide on just one.

However, in Li Wan Square, I came across this and think I may just have found it:



The shop had millions of them. Literally. When I said I wanted to buy one, I was offered three for the same price. Three? Hell, why not take nine! Twelve! But, no, no matter what the offer, Ol-Meanie-Me!, I insisted I only take one.

So, what do you think, Collette? Is this it? Naturally, if you like it, it will be popped into the mail for you ASAP!

And if you think I can do better, I'll keep looking. Hey, maybe this could become a regular feature!

The Hunt to Find the Worst T-Shirt on the Planet!

Later: Thinking it may be a good idea to find out who Joseph Kabila is, I googled and discovered that he is indeed President of the Congo, from 2001 till today!

Also, here's what I found that's not so funny: "Young Joseph, aged 25, was the commander of the famous army of "kadogos" (child soldiers) (bet they based that revolting character in "Blood Diamonds" on him!) and played a key role in major battles on the road to Kinshasa. Following the AFDL's victory, Laurent Kabila (his dad) rose to the presidency, and Joseph Kabila went on to get further training at the National Training Center, in Beijing, China!"

He then came back from China, and shortly after his father Laurent, the President, was shot dead and Joseph stepped in to fill the void as the new President! Mmmmmm! This T-shirt is funnier than I even realised!

And even later: Rejected! Collette thinks I need to try harder! Here's an extract from her e-mail:

... tried to put a message on your blog but couldn't work out how it was done ...

... SO I think it is back to the drawing board for you, my girl. It has to be hideous remember! In the meantime I will be trying my hardest from this end of the world to outdo you ...

... might start a new blog site for this alone.

China Travel Tip!

Since my husband is likely to read this, let's call it a hypothetical:

Just say you're in China, right?, and in a high state of dudgeon (hey, an oxymoron!) and you think if you don't do something about it you're going to blow a gasket ... so you do the sane thing and find yourself a nice spa nearby (no names) and go in to get yourself a massage.

And just say there's a list of services in the lobby and you look through them and you notice one you haven't had before called "Lady Massage", and so you book yourself one of those.

Then, five minutes later, you're in the buff in a little room when a personable young man dances in and introduces himself as "Wang" and you quickly realise, because, um, you've accidentally found yourself in this postion before, that Wang is there to give you, um, "a little wang action" ... and so you freak, right?, "Mo Wang! Mo Wang!" and Wang races out looking slightly chagrined and a committee of twenty clusters around the door, frantic to know why you're so displeased, and there's hardly a word of English among the lot and you're sitting there clutching a tiny little towel over your nakedness and it's all very fraught until the smart one in the committee says "Aaahhh! Body Massage!" and everyone, including you, goes "Hi hi, Body Massage", and the whole scene explodes into laughter at the misunderstanding. And after a whole round of "Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho!", a very nice little old lady scurries in clutching a bottle of ylang ylang oil, and the whole spa settles down again to normality.

So, on the grounds that some of us must suffer so the rest don't have to, I offer you the very sage piece of China Travel Advice: don't ask for a Lady Massage unless you're wanting Wang!

The Evil Troll Skybridge, Guangzhou, China

The Evil Troll Skybridge of Guangzhou
"in the flesh"

Congratulate me, folks! I'm now a Living Legend in two countries! If you read the posting about our travels in Cambodia, you'd already know Siem Reapers talk about me as "The Stupidest Tourist Ever To Visit Our Land" and now, in Guangzhou, I'm known far-and-wide as "The Western Woman Attacked by Beggars." I hereby take a bow!

Actually, I'm not personally known as such and I heard the story three times from different sources and in different contexts before I recognised it, and then heard it another seven times subsequently, but ... you know ... embarrassed and all ... I never once admitted I was the person in question; in fact, I just opened my eyes with the exact right amount of shock and innocently asked "Did she die?" No one seemed to know what happened to her.

If you read my posting waayyyy back in the March Archives below, you'll know the real story about what happened to me in Guangzhou three months ago ... but the story isn't like that any more. In fact, it has taken on a life of its own. Like BIGTIME! Like, Living Legend status!

However, in the interests of veracity, let me show you where it took place:

The Exact Spot

It started at the back of this scene and traveled all the way to the front.

And I was only this far from the hotel too:

Bai Yun Hotel front door
as seen from
Evil Troll Attack Spot

And here's how far it is from the Starbucks where the waiters who rescued me came from:


The Heroic Starbucks!

And these are the steps they walked me down:

The Lovely Steps of Safety!

And here's where they took me:

The Glorious Land of
Peace and Harmony!

To be honest, I have no idea who the nice young waiters were who rescued me from the Evil Trolls, but one of them could easily be this young man behind the counter!

And I vaguely thought it would be nice to avenge myself by kicking all the beggars I saw up on the skybridge ... but this visit there were only these two ... and they looked so very sweet I gave up the idea instantly.

Not the Evil Troll beggars in question!

And this time, I raced back to the hotel as soon as it got dark ... which was such a shame because under this skybridge, right under this spot, there's a DVD seller who has some amazing DVDs and an absurdly diverse collection of music CDs but he doesn't come out until very, very late, and I wasn't game to drop by.

Look beneath these stairs
around midnight
for the BEST pirates ever!


So, from THE WESTERN WOMAN WHO WAS ATTACKED BY BEGGARS IN GUANGZHOU! you now have seen for yourself where the Evil Trolls Attack.

And, when you hear this story next time you're up in Guangdong, think "Mmmm, I know who that was!" and then open your eyes with the exact right amount of shock and ask innocently "Did she die?" Let me know what becomes of her!

Maybe, in another three months of re-telling, she'd have been killed and hung off the overpass as a warning to other Stupid Western Women not to go out alone at night and/or as symbol in a moral tale told to children not to give money to beggars. Whatever, I want to know!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Li Wan Square, Guangzhou, China

This is new. This is exciting. This is something worth doing each time you're in Guangzhou:

LI WAN SQUARE

Morning on a work day.
Apparently it's usually much
busier and more crowded!

I was asking Halley about fashionable areas in Guangzhou and she insisted I check this place out. It's where, she said, all Guangzhou's Trendy Youth hang out to worship The Latest Fashions!

Don't ask me whereabouts it is because the city is 1,455 square miles in size so I never know where I am ... but if you want to go there go first to Chen Family Ancestral Village and at the entrance ...


The Entrance!

... turn left and walk until you come to these marble copies of Stevie and Stig ...
Stevie and Stig!

... and then cross the road and walk straight down the tree-lined avenue ...

The Avenue!

... towards the highest buildings - you can't miss 'em; they're pink - in the distance.

It's a long hike (Halley said "But when I told you about this place, I expected you to catch a taxi!") but you pass a very pleasant Jade Market on the way which you otherwise would have missed ...
(actually it's really a
semi-precious stone market)


And then, when you reach the tall pink set of skyscrapers, you go into a sad-looking rundown skyscraper called Li Wan Plaza ...
"If this is a Square,
I want my money back!"

And you're thinking "Why on earth would Halley have sent me here?", but if you keep wandering through the maze of shops ...
Like these ones!

And this!
Love tha
t sign!

... till you come to the other side, and voila! Li Wan Square:

This is clearly Guangzhou's attempt to become the new Ginza!

And, just like in Ginza, the fashion capital of Tokyo, there are McDonald's on two sides of the Square (note above) with enormous windows where you can watch the passing parade of Fashionistas!

These boys have grasped the concept!

However, although it's definitely and decidedly starting to happen, it isn't there yet! The Trendy Youth of Guangzhou still haven't grasped Ginza's high concept of Statement Dressing and Fantasy Dressing, and indeed both combined! These Trendoids all looked too straight and too nice:

Too sweet and ordinary, la?

However, Guangzhou's Sino-Ginza is very close. Like, these dudes below have almost got it!

And this dude has even grasped
the concept of fantasy posing
whenever he sees a camera!

Exciting, la? I really want to know what happens to this place so I fully intend to return here whenever I'm in Guangzhou so I can witness The Birth and Development of Sino-Ginza!

And to end this post on a more traditional note, in the Square is a tribute to all the millions of Cantonese immigrants who were sent away from Guangdong to escape the 129 year drought, and whos descendants you meet all over the rest of the world!

Leaving Home Forever!

Don't really understand what it's doing here, in this Square, but maybe it's meant as a call to all those Cantonese descendants that, it's OK, we're Capitalist now, you can all come home again.

Oh, and must tell you: while I was there, the Red Guard Band turned up and started to play a Sino-reworking of Orff's Carmina Burana ... and dammit if it wasn't actually a great concert!

Confessions of a Travel Monster!

I want to say upfront that I am not usually A Heinous-Mean Travel-Monster. Under normal circumstances, you will find I am a pleasant, insouciant, willing-to-be-pleased sort of traveler open to anything and interested in everything ... oh yeah, apart from in Saigon where the people were so unexceptionally and unspeakably vile I had unbidden albeit not unpleasant thoughts of B52 Bombers and napalm! But if you've been there yourself, you'll hardly blame me!

However, China is so frustrating that, yes, I regret to say I turn into a Travel Monster!

It's like the whole time you're there you're moving up and down the scale from Slightly-Miffed right up to Incandescent-with-Rage, and the country plays you like a Rage-o-phone!

Look, I'm not someone who expects Other Places to be exactly like Home! Decidedly not! I always relish The Different. But China .... Aaaaahhhh!!!

It all started out so well: a throng of local TV channels at Hung Hom Train Station filming the first layer of the new security measures China made us put in for Olympic Reasons and it was so cute going through it all with all the security staff trying to show off their best side.

And then, on the train, all foreign passport holders in the one carriage with our very own Beijing Cadre to take our photographs.

Playing Beijing Cadres!

But you know! Olympics, la! so I was fine with that!

And then, four hours later, at Guangzhou East Railway Station, the place was swarming with Shenzhen Sharks and I got sooo set on, but, la?, I was expecting it and got them to sod off with aplomb, and, sure, there were the usual 10,000 in front of me in the taxi queue but I had a suduko so that wasn't a problem either, and I was even forward-thinking enough to grab a bi-lingual brochure for my hotel in passing and so was able to waft that at my taxi driver and so it was all so easy and pleasant ... until ... I reached the Bai Yun Hotel.

Bai Yun Hotel is like childbirth. You forget how ghastly it all is until you're there again.

Bai Yun is a Best Western Hotel and there's nothing wrong with the physical appearance of the place ...

Entrance to Bai Yun Hotel

... but it's just that it's International so you have certain expectations and they ... it's just that they ... aaaahhhhhh!! Kill! Kill! ... the beds are hard, the baths are shallow, there's not enough hot water, the bathwater leaves a white film over your body that you just know is radioactive, they have no tea or coffee in the rooms, the fridge didn't work, the TV didn't work, and what the hell is the story about those footprints across the bathroom ceiling?

But their greatest problem is they have a staff who are so sodding stupid. And, boy, do they cry easily! Even when you're just at "Miffed" they start to water up!

It's not me, OK! It's them! Definitely!! I have spent a lifetime of traveling far and wide, and all over the world I can make myself understood ... oh, except in France where they delight in not understanding because it gives them a chance to toss their hair, shrug, purse their lips in contempt for you and stick their noses in the air! But they're famous for being a nation of irksome creeps and so you expect it there!

Here, it isn't like that! They do try. It's just that every person has only three words of English and even "I would like to register, please" has six so it takes two people to put their heads together to figure out what you actually want. I mean .... ahhhhhhhhh! Context clues, Ladies! I'm at the desk, dragging luggage, and waving my passport so what else do I bloody well mean!!!

And from there it only gets worse. Like, trying to tell them that I didn't have to pay for my hotel room because it was prepaid in Hong Kong ... that one took a 20-strong committee twenty minutes to sort out.

Totally new Layer of Hell that Dante didn't know about! I won't bore you with the details of the horrors of dealing with this hotel ... no, I will! It took nearly an hour just to get my key. And I was told they wouldn't take my money because it wasn't ironed! No, I am not kidding! They only accept ironed money! Who the f**k irons their money!!! Sorry to say, that one tipped the top end of my Rage-o-phone and I lost it ... and, yes, I reduced my own private Committee of 20 to blubbering wrecks, and yes, I felt like the worst person who's ever lived! But seriously, short of after it accidentally goes through a washing cycle, who the f**k irons their money!

Oh, and here's another nightmare piece: I told them I wanted to cancel breakfast! That one took a Committee of Ten fifteen minutes of discussion before I was told I wasn't allowed to cancel breakfast because I was on the quota ... meanwhile, right next to me, with his own personal Committee of 10, was a very nice English gentleman being told he wasn't allowed to have breakfast because he wasn't on the quota! We saw the so-obvious solution straight away, but, noooooo, not them! So we told them outright "Give him my breakfast!" But, no, after a ten minute discussion we were told that wasn't permitted ... so "Your name is Denise! And you're in Room 1010!" I told the nice gentleman and he thanked me! But the manager was standing right behind and heard and said "That is not permitted!" and I said "Either you sort this out properly or pretend you didn't hear me!" and a slow glimmer arose on this Beijing Cadre's face and he walked away! (Oooohh, I think I corrupted one of the Communist Party's finest!)

I think you get the idea ... and I wouldn't go on except, well, I'm venting! There's this whole Friendship Store fiasco too! Friendship Stores used to be the only place foreigners were permitted to shop - where they pay 8 times the price of regular stores and about 20 times the price of the local markets - only Guangzhou has recently become a S.E.Z. which basically means I can shop anywhere I damn well please. Only Bai Yun doesn't appear to be aware of this ... nor do they appear to be aware that the local Friendship Shop shut down about three weeks earlier (why would anyone want to shop there when they no longer had to) and the nearest Friendship Shop these days is a 20 minute taxi ride away! But noooooo! This is a logic-free zone! The voucher of calligraphy they give you (after taking the Committee of 20 half an hour to figure out what you want - and they haven't yet grasped the concept that it's so convenient having calligraphy for everything you want to buy!) to show people always says at the top "Taxi Driver, take me to the Friendship Shop!"

... however, I discovered something so very, very cool I have to pass it on ...

... Taxi-Bellboys are smart. Taxi-Bellboys think on their feet! Show a Taxi-Bellboy the voucher and he makes sure no one is looking before giving you a wink ... and then he gives the taxi driver totally different directions and you end up at a regular Mall close-by! And how cool is that?

I could tell you so much more about the frustrations of being in China, but I think I'll stop now.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Have Visa, Will Travel!

Got the visa today and so am off to China ...
Finally, a chance to spend
my leftover yuan

... up to the world of roof-trees and angry beggars! Guangzhou. Looking forward to it, and will take heaps of photos to place wwayyy back there in this blog, in my posting all about Guangzhou, the biggest city in Guangdong.

Although I have to work, I've also been told there's a factory outlet warehouse for designer handbags in the immediate vicinity. Mmm mmmmm! And I'm going to be looking for shower curtains, Molly, so will keep out an eye on your behalf!

I'm thinking too, since I had to endure a long and tedious lecture from a visa official all about how I am only allowed to stay one month per pass - and I'm only really going up for a day's work except you're not allowed to stay only a day - that I may just stay longer.

I'd like to go back to Shamian Dao for a day or two. I also have a posting about this fabulous place wwayyy back there. It really is sublime, and I'll get photos this time to prove it to you.

And I've heard there's an entire district that sells the most amazing shoes! I'm sure Halley will be able to fill me in on where that is. And ... well, I'll tell you more when I get back.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

What Kills Us this Week!

HK is a city of Panic Merchants and, in each issue, HK Magazine chooses The Crisis that has caused the city the most angst for the week. I try to guess what it'll be. I never get it right, usually because HK is forever being spoiled for choice in what to panic about!

Because of all the white biohazard suits and mass slaughter all around, I was going to say Bird Flu, but I've got a much, much better one:

8 8 8 8

Several people have told me this in the past few days. Did you know that the Olympics in Beijing begin at 8am on the 8th of August 2008? This was chosen because 8 is China's lucky number. However, in a series like this ... and get this ... it reads as "baat! baat! baat! baat!" which is the sound of a dog barking!

And why do dogs bark? My answer was "Intruders?" (actually, I quite like that: Olympics=Intruders) but I'm told "No! Dogs bark to warn of a disaster! Something very bad is going to happen!"

Do you love it? I tell you, HKers can Total-Angst-Panic over anything!


For me personally, I'm in a Total-Angst-Panic of my own! Am off to China for the weekend. Guangzhou! Hopefully! I don't yet know if I have a visa. And I have to go for a work-thing! Applied early last week and I don't find out if I get one until the day before I'm supposed to be there! It's mega-stressful since there won't be enough time for the people at the other end to make alternative arrangements if I don't get one. Horrible situation.

You know, don't you, that China is getting revenge for the Olympic Torch upsets by screwing over foreigners wanting to go to the Mainland. They aren't issuing many visas and make it the most unpleasant experience imaginable even when they do end up issuing one.

And did you know that you're not allowed to go in just for the day? This means that there simply aren't any tourists up in China and, since Shenzhen relies on day-trippers for all it's trade, I believe they are now desperate ... and it seems the Shenzhen Sharks have spread their net farther afield and there's all sorts of escalating violence against tourists! As far afield as Guangzhou, I've heard. Mmmm, and I'm going to be in the middle of it all! Hopefully! If I get a visa that is!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

"Made In Indonesia" - My Excellent Adventure into the Origins of the Polynesian People

This is a follow-on from my last posting about the NZ documentary "Made in Taiwan: Nathan and Oscar's Excellent Adventure". However, if you find this offering doesn't make sense, read the one below first:

Before I start the story of this adventure, I want to tell you that I have the big guns on my side. In fact, I have Spencer Wells and he's the BIGGEST BIG CANNON in this field.

And here's what Spencer Wells has to say on the subject of the origins of the Polynesian people: "The Express Train from Formosa (the old name for Taiwan) Model has to be modified in light of the discovery of the M130 gene on the Y-chromosome." (That means the males are NOT from Taiwan or anywhere near Taiwan. They are, in fact, from East Africa!)

Wells then goes on to argue that the "Express Train from Formosa Model" is not logical because the Polynesians hit the Pacific as a fully integrated and unique cultural unit with completely different agriculture and planting methods from the Taiwanese. He then says that Taiwan is too far from the Equator for the rice crop to fail and thus for them to come up with their own alternatives, and therefore Hawaii-iki had to be much closer to the Equator.

And his own suggestion for the whereabouts of Hawaii-iki, the mythic motherland of Polynesia, is INDONESIA!!! So there, all you Formosa-Model Fans!!! Go suck eggs!!!


But back to my story:



For me, this whole adventure started when I was ten, on a very crowded Saturday morning at Morris Hedstrom's Milk Bar in downtown Suva, Fiji, when a worried-looking African tourist sitting opposite, out of the blue, said "Do you know where Fijians come from?"

"Somewhere in Africa, I think!" I said, shrugging, slurping on my milkshake.

"Where in Africa?"

"No one knows." I replied, and then, because he so obviously wanted to talk: "Why do you ask?"

Turns out that this guy had, moments earlier, been in Suva Markets when he heard someone shout in Madagascan "Did you get all the fish off the boat?" Elated, thinking he'd found "a homie", he tracked down the source of the shout, raced over and talked twenty-to-the-dozen at him in his native tongue.

But "I don't understand you." the Fijian fisherman replied in English.

"But you were talking Madagassy just now!" said my new friend.

"No! I was talking Fijian!"

"But what did you shout just now?"

"Did you get all the fish off the boat!"

You can see why my new friend was looking so worried. He desperately needed answers so, young as I was, he quizzed me bigtime about the Fijian's ancient sailing methods and luckily, thanks to a recent school trip to Suva Museum in Thurston Gardens, I knew some stuff.

 The drua at Fiji Museum.
Photo taken from their website.

And, in comparison with ancient Madagascan sailing methods, boy, did we tick the boxes: Outriggers? Check! Lateen sails? Check! Movable spar from the mast? Check! Astral navigation? Check! A faceless spirit protector called a Tau? Check! Raw fish dropped into lemon juice overnight? Check! And there were heaps more checks only I've forgotten what they were.

But there was still more. Fijians and Madagascans, he said (and I'll tell you a story later about how I came to agree with him) even looked alike, only Fijians were significantly taller and bigger. As for the language? Sure, it was mostly unintelligible, but every now and again something would come into focus. The conclusion he drew from this was that Fijians had left Madagascar such a long time ago that the language had mostly changed!

It was all so convincing we both filed it away as a simple fact: Fijians originally came from Madagascar!

But what does this have to do with Polynesians?

Well, if you'd studied Ancient History back in High School you'd know all about Consonantal Shift so you wouldn't ask. However, if you didn't study it, here's what you need to know: It was discovered by the Grimm Brothers - of fairytale fame - when they were traveling around the farthest reaches of Eastern Europe gathering old folk tales for their books: that although the Mother Language stays relatively constant, when people move away from their source, their now-isolated language switches a consonant every two hundred years ... and therefore you can tell how long languages have been isolated from each other by counting the number of drifted consonants. Eventually, obviously, given the passage of millennium, a language drifts so far away from source that speakers become unintelligible to each other.

It's pretty amazing, yes? And you'd think it wouldn't happen these days, what with people not being isolated from the source anymore, but I've noticed that Australians are, these days, gradually softening their "d" and, here in HK, the Cantonese are in the process of changing their "l" to "n". Most odd!

But, still, what does this have to do with Polynesians? Easy peasy! The primary example the high school text book gave for Consonantal Shift was that all the Polynesian languages are 5000 year old Fijian!

So, you undoubtedly are drawing the same conclusions I am: the Polynesian people descended from the Fijians! And that the split happened about 5000 years ago.

And if you're not reaching that conclusion, look at what else they've got in common:
1) outriggers with lateen sails and movable spar,
2) astral navigation,
3) a faceless spirit protector called a Tau,
4) giant feet! Well, nearly as wide as they are long, at least!

However, since Fiji is 100% NOT the mythical homeland of Hawaii-iki, and Polynesians are decidedly more Chinese-looking than Fijians, something else HAD to have operated here! But I had no idea what for a very long time!

That brings us back to my Madagassy friend: this interesting interchange stayed with me over the years, and I was reminded of it vividly during my brief foray, in my teens, into the field of blood groups and their connection with race.

This interest was all Mrs Cole's fault. We were doing blood groups in Biology class at St Joseph's, when I found I couldn't match my blood to any of the samples in the text book. When I told Mrs Cole she looked through my microscope and said "Mmmmh! You have weird blood. Your sister does too! Where on earth does your family come from?" "We're Irish, English, German and Dutch!" I said. Then she said "There has to be something else in there as well!"

There was no come-back to that, so, being me - and always unable to resist a mystery - I went on a vastly unsuccessful quest to find out why my blood was so weird. (Still haven't solved it!) (Although I think it may have something to do with being a remnant of a now long-dead race of people!) (Perhaps Scythian!) (Although Samatian would be wwaayyyy cooler!)

But, although my interest in blood-lines was brief, my interest in ancient peoples remained and it was a long time before I gave it up the hunt. Years in fact. And I read so many books on the subject over those years, that .... mmm, wonder if this is why I ended up an Ancient History teacher?!

SIDEBAR: telling race by blood it isn't just about whether you're 1) A, B or O, or indeed AB like most of my family. It's also about 2) Rhesus-factor - whether your blood creates protein, doesn't create protein, or, like mine, destroys protein - and about 3) Duffy - how much oxygen your blood carries - and something called 4) MSN (?) (I was into this stuff so long ago, I've forgotten the details) that does something else which I've also forgotten.

The theory that blood equals race? How it goes is that even people who are from minor divisions within the wider racial categories have slightly different blood: that when people move around, within several generations they develop slight mutations in the blood to adjust to the new conditions they find themselves in, and that these mutations gradually accrue and so, in the blood of descendants, you find the history of what the ancestors have done, who they are and where they've been.

However, by the time I started reading in the field, the early 70s, the whole field of blood-race connection was intellectually out-of-fashion (although I notice it's come back recently because so many of the findings turn out to be supported by DNA evidence), not only because it was endorsed during the 1930s and 40s by the Nazis, but because ...

... and this is fascinating ...

... the scientists discovered, in the early 30s, that there were strong Polynesian blood lines in Madagascar, and in the Carpathian Mountains - yup, up in Dracula territory - and deep in Russia along the Volga in the lands formerly owned by the Vikings and even a bit among the Vikings themselves.

Since this was all so deeply impossible, the scientists instantly threw the whole theory out and were calling it abject nonsense even before Adolph Hitler sounded its death-knell by jumping on the bandwagon!

However, I wasn't so willing to toss it aside. It was that Madagascar thing! Intriguing, huh? Only it's the wrong way round. According to my Madagassy friend, and coupled with Consonantal Shift, it should have been Madagascan blood in the Polynesian peoples and not Polynesian in the Madagascan. Get the difference? The only way it made sense to me was if the Madagascans went off somewhere, bred with different lines, and then, many generations later - giving the blood lines time to adjust - returned home again.

Back then, however, there was then no way to check if my theory was correct, so this had to remain a mystery for a couple of decades!

In the meantime, however, through the intervening years, there were several other beats I came across that made me go "Mmmmm! Interesting!" and kept this all alive for me. Like, Herodotus, right? Ancient Greek guy who was the Founding Father of History! Reading one of his books, I came across something most odd: that the Phoenician sailors trading off the coast of Africa said that they regularly came across black men from an island to the south who claimed they could cross the open ocean by tracing the pattern of the stars. Herodotus added "I myself don't believe it!"

Me? I just thought "Madagassy!!!" and liked the idea of them zooming back and forth across the open ocean ... but to where?

If you look at a map of the world, "crossing open oceans" from Madagascar (and ruling out all the journeys that involve big-time footling around) gets you to:

1) Yemen and other Arab Gulf Countries, via the Seychelles Islands
2) India
3) Sri Lanka, via the Maldives (mmm, pick me!)
4) Sumatra
5) Java
6) The west coast of Australia
7) Thailand (Khmer DNA in Samoa! Maybe this solves Oscar's mystery!)
8) Zanzibar (since the Phoenicians traded with Zanzibar, this could explain where they met!)

However, whether these indeed are the "open ocean" Madagassy journeys, I didn't know, so it all remained speculation!

In fact there weren't any real advances to this story, until, yes!, the human genome was deciphered in the early 90s and finally people were able to genetic sequence and work out, through a pattern of tiny mutations, who was descended from whom, and when, and even, through sampling large numbers of a single population, where.

And, thanks to a happy accident - literally - in the Cook Islands, when one of the top guys in the field, on holiday in Rarotonga, came off a motorbike, smashed his legs and had to remain in hospital there for months, out of sheer boredom, began gathering Cook Islanders blood and thus the Polynesian DNA sequence was one of the first done!

Results? Eureka moment for me! Polynesians had a Fijian male line plus 14 different Tanka women as their female line! If you don't already know, Tanka are the ancient tribe of Cantonese boat-people - who are slightly genetically different from the regular Cantonese and decidedly different from Han Chinese!

This had to mean the ancestors of the Fijians, presumably 14 of them, went off somewhere with their 14 wives, presumably 5000 years ago, and from them came the entire Polynesian peoples!

But where did they take these 14 Tanka wives? To the mythical land of Hawaii-iki the legends tell us! But where is the mythical land of Hawaii-iki? The gorgeous and downright wonderful Ela Koroi of the Fiji Red Cross provided the first hint for that:

Should tell you first that Ela Koroi, although Fijian, comes from Lau, an island group in Eastern part of Fiji. And although, yes, this is Fiji, Lauans actually descend from a war-party of Tongans who decided, after meeting the local women, to make love instead of war, and so married them and lived out the end of their days in these gorgeous islands.

So Ela is actually a Fijian of recent Polynesian male-line descent. And her story? Back in Fiji, after she'd traveled around Indonesia while on secondment with the Indonesian Red Cross, she had an odd and breathless tale to tell: right across the many lands of Indonesia, she encountered nothing but various levels of unfamiliarity until she arrived at ...

... the Molucca Islands.


From the moment she stepped foot on it, she said, there was a strange most-Jungian tingling sensation that "this place is important for me!", and the entire time she was there she kept seeing and hearing semi-familiar things; exactly like what happened to my Madagassy friend, fragments of conversations around her she realised she understood, faces around her were almost familiar, the gardens had the food she knew from the tete at home, she could name all the trees, the cooking smells were the same, gestures and attitudes were the same, the laughter was the same; things kept passing in and out of focus, like almost-things she already almost-knew. She kept thinking "It's Fiji! This place has something to do with Fiji!" but she couldn't quite pin it down.

And then the slow dawning tingling thought that grew into the explosion of a certain conclusion: "This is Hawaii-iki! This is the place where my ancestors were born!"

Was it? Did Ela, clearly operating on her deepest subconscious level - what Jung calls ancestral memory - which always, he says, comes accompanied by that strange tingling sensation - nail it on the head? That answer comes later!

Meanwhile, what was happening to the discovery of the Fijian DNA sequence? That didn't come for ages afterwards but it did come! If you want to look it up for yourself, I think you'll find it in Stephen Oppenheimer's book "Eden in the East" or "Out of Eden"! Or is it one of the others? Damn, I've read so many books on the subject, I can no longer be sure of where my information comes from.

Anyway, if you're interested, you can find it for yourself. In the meanwhile? Results? Again with the Eureka moment!: Fijians are male line East African - Madagascar is East Africa! Air punch! "YES!!!" Happy dance! Happy dance! - with the female line a mix of Chinese, Indian and Cebu ...

... so, because Madagascans are the only East Africans who have an ancient tradition of sailing, particularly across open oceans, my Madagassy friend was undoubtedly right about Madagascan men going off someplace far away and I was right about them breeding with other peoples! But the definitive answer of the where and how of this didn't come for still a great many years later.

In the meantime, I pondered. These Chinese in question weren't Tanka; weren't traveling boat people. They came from China proper, which is exceptionally difficult to get to from Madagascar, what with reefs and shoals and those types of natural barriers. Indians, on the other hand, come from India which is easy to get to. And Cebu are the descendants of the jungle people of the South East Asian islands, like The Philippines and Indonesia, and Indonesia is also easy to get to, although the Philippines, no, not so much.

SIDEBAR: Did you know Fijians have a very ancient insult for promiscuous men which translates directly to "Dirty Sailor" in English. It refers specifically to men who don't care who bears their off-spring, and that is considered a very, very bad thing to do!

So, did our Madagascan "not-dirty sailors" travel to these places and somehow manage to pick up wives along the way?

It's possible, only they don't seem to have returned home with them, at least not for a great many generations.

Mmmmm? Did they take them someplace else?

Difficult one! We aren't talking here about stray DNA left scattered behind by a bunch of passing "dirty sailors"; the results of those sorts of casual inter-breeding vanish into the local population as quickly as possible. Yes? They definitely don't go on to create their own new and unique people and culture. Apart from everything else, they don't have the numbers for it ...

... also these men were from that DNA, which suggests these women had borne many children to the same men, and doing so for generations .... which means a stable home arrangement ... which is the exact opposite of zooming around open oceans ...

... so I asked myself "Is there anyplace in the world where Chinese, Indians and Cebu come together already pre-blended into one people?"

There was only one answer to that: Java!

So that's the place that was hovering around in my mind for several years, awaiting something concrete that would pin it down for me, definitely!

And it came! Strangely, it was while I was trying to solve another completely different mystery; one posed by that idiot Margaret Mead! (I won't bother you with what that stupid woman was on about that I briefly found intriguing!) To solve that mystery involved reading a great many Indonesian myths ... but it all fell to the wayside when I discovered, in among a collection of specifically Javanese myths ...

... THE MYTH OF RATU ...

If you don't already know, Ratu is Fijian for Chief, and I tell you my hair stirred on my neck when I read the title, and it stood further on end the further I got into it! HERE, RIGHT HERE, was the answer to the puzzle! Let me share:

But, first up, here's what you need to know to make sense of the story: Java is known as The Spice Islands because of the vast number of spices that grow there. And for millennium, Chinese and Indian traders have coast-hugged down from their native lands to buy these spices which they then lug home to sell.

Anyway, this legend starts when the Javanese spice growers discovered they were being ripped off; that the pittance they were being paid for their product didn't come close to the massive sums the traders were getting back in their native lands. Decidedly irked, the J.S.G. collectively decided they wanted those big sums for themselves, only the Indian and Chinese traders laughed in their faces and said there wasn't anything they could do about it because they didn't have boats and didn't know how to sail and so couldn't get to their product to those markets themselves, so nah nah nah!!!

But then a miracle happened. On the horizon! A sail!

Yup, coming towards them, across the open ocean, in a different direction from the traders, was a boat!

Turns out it was a load of black men lead by their chief, Ratu. They turned out to be in no way connected to any of the traders and besides they were nice guys so, inspired, "Will you help us out?" the Javanese spice growers asked.

Answer? Affirmative!

So Ratu and co. sailed the J.S.G. over to the island where the Indian traders sold their wares (presumably Sri Lanka) and they all made such a massive profit everyone was very, very happy! It was too good to lose so "Will you stay?" they asked Ratu and his cohorts!

Answer? Affirmative!

So Ratu and his men were gifted with land and took themselves local wives, and built themselves homes, lives and families, while occasionally jaunting off across open oceans to distant lands whenever their Javanese friends needed to sell their wares ...

... and there they lived until the end of their days and, since they taught their children how to sail and build boats and navigate by the stars, their children lived on in Java long after they'd gone, and became the famous Indonesian tribe known for their wonderful ship building, ship sailing, ship navigation skills, and their fearless way of crossing the open ocean!

And then, one day, millennium later, so the legend goes, the tribe of Ratu just vanished! Whhoosshhh! Gone! And it's there the story ends.

But not for us! Since we're assuming this story is more history than myth - as most myths usually are - we need to ask the big question: where did The Tribe of Ratu go?

Well, from the DNA evidence, we can assume that 14 of them took their 14 wives over to some nearby uninhabited islands (that Indonesians called The Moluccas, but, presumably, that they themselves named Hawaii-iki) - and, here in their very own Garden of Eden, they Adam-and-Eved it up bigtime, and ended up producing the entire Polynesian population.

This is pretty definite. To work out where a population started, scientists work on the principal that whereever this place is, it must have a range of old and new mutations. See, mutations happen in individuals and are then passed on to descendants, so the later populations would only have the new mutations, whereas, in original population, there'd be a mix of people with and without that mutation. The Moluccas has it - all the old and the new mutations - so Ela is definitely right! Science backs up what she discovered through a tingly sense of ancestral memory in her deepest subconscious mind!

But what else do we know about this? Well, from the linguistic evidence, that they hied off from their proto-Fijian brethern 5,000 years ago! And we know that the Pacific Jugganaut set sail around 3,500 years ago, so that's 1,500 years in Hawaii-iki and thus heaps of time for their blood to adapt ... blah, blah, blah ...

And somewhere during this time, some of them hied away back to Madagascar, and a whole flotilla went up to Taiwan ... but how on earth some ended up in the Carpathian Mountains among all those Dracula people, or in Russia along the Volga, or got mixed up with the Vikings, as suggested by the blood-line evidence ...

Mmmm, interesting, yes? Since I can't resist a mystery, here are my speculations:

I find no problem whatsoever with the idea of a flotilla of Polynesians going off to colonise Taiwan, nor, indeed returning "home" to Madagasca. Those are so easily solved they're not anywhere near mysterious!

As for the other genuinely mysterious pieces of blood-line evidence, I reckon I can do those too:
"Two Celts"
Sailors who called themselves
"Celts" traveled in Southern China

during the Han Dynasty
around 3000 years ago

Seems there was waayyy more zooming around happening in ancient times than is currently given credit, and there is also evidence of Vikings being in S.E. Asia about 1,500 years back ...

... but this isn't Viking blood in the Polynesians; this is Polynesian blood in the Vikings, which means it came from Polynesian men making out with Viking women. Since Vikings never traveled with their women-folk and, as far as we know, a flotilla of Polynesians never made it to Norway, it makes it seem somewhat more than impossible. But, you know, I can still see it happening! It's always possible that a bunch of adventureous young Polynesian dudes jumped aboard with Olaf, Harald, Erik and co to go off on some big adventure together! And it's also possible that they then traveled up through Russia along the Volga, and then, back in various Viking-lands, married themselves off to some young Gertrude, Inga, Friga, Freya and Helga-types!

As for the Polynesians breeding themselves into the blood-lines of those horrible folk in the Carpathian Mountains, I'm hoping it doesn't mean that a traveling boat-load of Ratu's sailors weren't captured by those Carpathian Dracula-types and forced to work as slaves in their ancient Draco goldmines! That would be too too awful for words! But, you know, I do see it a possibility of what happened. It's just a shame that the Carpathian Mountains are so full of such dangerously psychotic types (I asked a Polish doctor who works around there to see what he could find out for me and his reply was "No. I'm not going anywhere or talking to anyone I don't have to!") it's not likely we'll ever find out!

Oh, and speaking of the Carpathian Mountains and blood, I've just thought of something really strange: Fijians have an Old Old Story about The Blood Bird: a man who turns into a bird at night and goes around drinking people's blood. And "bird" in Fijian is "kula" and "blood" is "dra", so in Fijian this legendary creature is called Dra-Kula! Does that suggest to you as well that Fijians are somehow mixed up in this Carpathian legend? Like, they named The Creature or something? Or is this thread is simply getting too bizarre for words!

But back to the less strange and inexplicable! What happened to the other guys? The ones who didn't go off to play Adam and Eve.

There is still a tribe of Ancient Navigators in Indonesia. They are mentioned - although instantly dismissed as unimportant - in Gavin Menzies "1421" about the journeys of Zheng He. Although the entire book promotes the Chinese as the greatest sailors the world has ever known, Menzies does admit that Zheng He hired Indonesians to navigate for his seventh and final journey. And you'll notice this final voyage is the only one where He stops coast-hugging and crosses the open ocean. Strangely that open ocean journey was from Zanzibar to Java. A familiar one?

When I read this I went "Mmmmm!" and wondered if, in fact, the legend overstated that "Whhossh! Gone!" and that some of the Tribe of Ratu had actually stayed on in Java afterall.

And then I saw the descendants of Zheng He's Indonesian navigators interviewed by that nice Japanese-Canadian historian Michael Yamashita on the National Geographic Channel's documentary "The Journeys of Zheng He" (Hey, turns out these latter-day navigator dudes still have their forefathers' logs for the Zheng He journey? How cool is that!)

But, sadly, they didn't look Fijian at all ...

But then I noticed they were all sitting on the ground, wearing sulus, and being very careful that no one could see the soles of their feet. Totally Fijian! And that's when I wondered if maybe only one or two remained behind, and thus the gene pool was swamped by Javanese and that's why they don't bear a resemblance anymore!

You know, I'd so love it if someone went in and checked these dudes DNA! I betcha, betcha, betcha it turns out ...

As for the others?

Anthropologists suggest that Fiji was populated about 3,000 years ago - although Fijians claim it was much earlier - but since this is about two thousand years after our 14 Adams and 14 Eves got down to business in Hawaii-iki, the time-line is incorrect. Thus, unless the anthropologists are looking in the wrong place for the earliest habitations (and Sister Aikanisa always used to say their assumption that First Landing was in Natadola was wrong and that it was actually much higher up near Labasa, on Vanua Levu), we have a missing two thousand years to account for. (Let's just hope they didn't spend it working in Draco gold mines in the Carpathian Mountains.)

Maybe they went somewhere else first before, but I'm totally convinced that, whenever it happened ...

The Tribe of Ratu hied themselves off to Fiji!


Fijian history is no help. According to the Naukonikoni legend of their arrival in Fiji, the first thing their leader Ratu said when they got off their canoes on the shores of Natadola was "History begins today! Nothing happened before we arrived on this day!"

... and that's the way things still stand ...

Fijians did not exist until the moment they became Fijians!

Such a damn shame really, since they obviously have the most fascinating history of any group of people anywhere on the planet!


Obviously there is vastly more to the story than what I've told here. There are still so many fragments that haven't yet found a place in the Fijian Narrative ...

Besides, this posting is meant to be a Polynesian Narrative, and so it all has to wait for another day ... maybe in a decade hence when more evidence turns up and the pieces finally fall into place and I have a real story that I can tell.

Oh yeah, promised to tell you how I discovered the strange resemblance between Madagassy and Fijians:

If you come from any country that has coups, you know the awful physical and emotional roller-coaster that occurs whenever they happen: the racing heart, the sticky palms, the knotted stomach, the galloping nausea, the awful lump in the throat, and the sheer panic and terror you feel that your country is out of control and anything can happen to the ones you love.

Well, several years back I switch on the news about three minutes late ... and it's deep into the lead story, and I see there's a whole stack of frightened Fijians on the screen standing in the streets of Suva, looking towards the Parliament Buildings, and having desperately worried, hurried conversations, and the voice-over mentions the word "coup" and I'm instantly coup-mode - all racing heart, clenched fists, tightened stomach and nausea and crying "No! No! No!" .... and then the story cuts to an interview with the ousted Prime Minister ...

... and it's some dude I've never seen before in my life! He looked a lot like PNG's former PM Julius Chan, and my mind is kinda boggling and I'm wondering if there's been some PNG invasion that I haven't heard about ...

... and the whole thing is too creepy for words and I'm in a strange state of confused panicking ... and then, finally, I hear the word "Madagascar" and I finally realise it isn't happening in Fiji and I'm totally "Phew!" because I have no loved ones in Madagascar so it's just a regular news story!

But you really can't blame me for making such a mistake because there wasn't anything in the original images to suggest it wasn't Fiji. The streets looked like Suva and there were more than fifty worried-looking people in those first shots as well, and every single one of them looked like ordinary everyday people you'd see every day in downtown Suva! Like, every one and totally!

Normally, I can distinguish a Fijian in a mixed international crowd of people, but these Madagascans fooled me completely. So my Madagassy friend nailed it: Fijians and Madagascans are sssoooo originally the same people!

New Zealand Film Festival

The NEW ZEALAND FILM FESTIVAL, right? On here in HK from 14th to 22nd June, at Broadway Cinematheque in Yau Ma Tei and at IFC Palace at IFC Mall in Central. Packed houses. Good fun. Great weekend.

The film I want to talk about is "Made In Taiwan: Nathan and Oscar's Excellent Adventure" since that's what I'm most interested in, but I'll get the others out of the way first. They're all great and everyone is raving: "Eagle vs Shark", "Perfect Strangers", "Black Sheep", "Made in Taiwan" and "No.2".

"Eagle vs Shark" stars one of the guys from The Flight of the Conchords - Jemaine Clement - and it's from the Oscar nominated director Taika Waititi. Do you know The Flight of the Conchords? A Kiwi folk-music duo currently with an American TV series on HBO? It's showing on HK TV at the moment and it rocks! Jemaine and Bret are absolutely the funniest guys around, bar no one! If you want a taste, go into youtube and google "Flight of the Conchords + Business Time." (Tried to embed this for you in here, but it wouldn't let me.)

And "Eagle vs Shark" is a very awkward love story - about very awkward people looking for love - and you don't get more Jemaine and Bret than that.

"Perfect Strangers", on the other hand, is a very elegant love story ... about kidnapping. Yeah, dark humour. Stars Sam Neill and is directed by Gaylene Preston who's made a lot of films that have become Kiwi Classics. I didn't go - refused totally because I detest any suggestion that "Stockholm Syndrome" is somehow romantic - but the people who did see it loved it!

"Black Sheep", I must warn you, is very Early-Peter Jackson, which means it's the latest offering from the Kiwi Splatter genre; all about killer-sheep ripping open people's throats. Great special effects. Although the film is directed by a guy called Jonathan King, it comes from Peter Jackson's Weta Workshop which means Jackson's got over his "Lord of the Rings" Oscar and has gone back to his roots. And I just LOVE that he'd do this.

You do know Early-Peter-Jackson stuff, don't you? The Kiwi Splatter Genre? Really good humoured and very funny galloping-death-and-mayhem and lots of spectacular blood and guts splattered all over the place and people dying in every spectacular way possible. Fun!!! There are all sorts of gory clips on youtube from early Peter Jackson films if you're interested.

"No. 2" is a big-hearted family film about Fijians living in Auckland. Nanna Maria thinks her family is losing its "Fijian-ness" so demands her grandchildren throw her a feast "like she used to have in Fiji as a child", and, over the course of the day, her family regains its soul. Really heart-warming stuff! However, I was a little uncomfortable that it ended up as a pig-on-a-spit affair instead of a lovo - earth oven - and that her Fijian children and grandchildren were played by Tongans, Samoans and Maoris ... although I'm convinced granddaughter Hibiscus was from Fiji (I thought she looked like one of the Bull family - although her surname is McDermot - and would love someone to let me know if this is so?) And the pig-gifting friend was definitely Fijian (from around Sigatoka but with a Whippy somewhere in the family tree?) ...

... but I never once spotted that Nanna Maria wasn't played by a Fijian. Can you believe it? It was the Oscar-nominated, Emmy-winning black American actress Ruby Dee, and I occasionally noticed something a little off, but I thought it was because this FIJIAN actress was from Taveuni - I'd love to know who rehearsed her! - only she was playing someone from Levuka! From Fiji, 100% yes, but a slight geographical voice anomaly. That's how close she got to being perfect. Oh yeah, I also half-noticed that when she spoke Fijian she said "ga" instead of "nga", which is a mistake no Fijian would make, but it was such a small thing I over-looked it and so I was totally taken in.

Total congratulations, Ruby Dee. You certainly fooled me!

Now for what I really want to talk about: "Made in Taiwan: Nathan and Oscar's Excellent Adventure" It's a very funny and charming documentary about the search for the origins of the Polynesian People ... wherein Nathan, a Maori, and Oscar, a Samoan, with help from Oxford Ancestors - the DNA testing laboratory at Oxford - I soooo want to do this - go on a physical journey tracking their DNA evidence and end up tracing their roots back to Taiwan ... which isn't correct, but a damn good start.

Oh yeah, before I tell you why they're not correct, here's something amazing. Two things, actually:

1) Turned out Nathan's dad was indeed Maori (descended from the Ancestral Father they've named Maui) but his English mother's maternal line turned out to be Native American. Wasn't his red-haired and freckled So-English mother - from Cornwall - shocked to her core! But, as Oscar told her, "Maybe one of your ancestors was a Cornish sailor who met Pocahontas and took her back to England!", however, even after that, she still looked terribly worried. I guess her entire sense of self had come crashing to the ground, and you can just see that here's one lady who's about to go on "An Excellent Adventure" of her own.

2) Samoan Oscar, holding the results in their envelope, guessed that his Ancestral Father would be Maui and his Ancestral Mother would be Ino, the name they've given to the Ancestral Mother of all Polynesians, but then he opened the envelope and discovered, indeed yes, his Maternal line was Ino ... but his Paternal line was ... Tibetan! Oscar was shocked, sure, but not me! I'm sitting there thinking "YES!!!" and wanting to air-punch bigtime. See, Samoans have very distinctive cheekbones, unlike anywhere else in the Pacific, and the only other time I've seen cheekbones like that was in Cambodia and Thailand, among the Khmer people. And DNA evidence says the Khmer are of Tibetan descent! So, yes, I got it! The little whisper in my head "there has to be a connection between Samoans and Khmer" turned out to be spot on!

Thai Khmer

Cambodian Khmer

You tell me if you haven't
seen those cheekbones
on the streets of Apia!

And there's definitely "An Excellent Adventure" in finding what what Khmer DNA is doing in Samoa and nowhere else in the Pacific. There would be a story!

I'm an Ancient History teacher, right, and this is the sort of thing I love above anything else. Ancient mysteries! Mmmm-mmmh! Give me one of those and I'm there! And, naturally, since it's a mystery, I've spent over twenty years researching the roots of the Polynesian people, and I intend to write to Nathan and Oscar to tell them where they went wrong and hopefully they'll go get another grant to make a sequel, "Made in Indonesia".

The mythic land of Hawaii-iki, where Polynesians say they originally came from, is NOT Taiwan. It's in Indonesia! The Molucca Islands in Indonesia to be specific. There's a LOT of evidence for this, and I think Nathan and Oscar got it wrong and Taiwan is simply a red-herring; that the Moluccans ended up in Taiwan, just as they ended up spread out throughout the Pacific; Taiwan is just another canoe-flotilla from the original Moluccan breeding ground.

I would like to go into this here, but this posting is about the NZ Film Festival, so I won't get distracted. It's all for another posting and on another day.

Still, "Made in Taiwan: Nathan and Oscar's Excellent Adventure" is an excellent film and a lot of fun. Oscar is hilarious! Like when they're in the Cook Islands and they're told "We think of ourselves like the Maori's big brother!" Oscar says "Does that mean we get to take your keys and use your car?" Love it!

So, there's still another weekend for you to see these films and I highly recommend you do so. Good, good fun! The latest crop of Kiwi films are a blast, so make sure you "go have a squiz"!