Another letter from our Singapore holiday in 2005:
Things in and about Singapore that really took my fancy?
1) All the elderly Chinese rickshaw drivers plying down for
trade down Victoria Street playing loud Gangsta Rap music
on their boom boxes. Some things seem so wrong!
2) Passing a large market stall in Chinatown and there's an
elderly Chinese man on a microphone calling out "Hurry. Hurry.
Bargains galore. Prices tumble. The price is now ... brace
yourself ... one dollar an item. That's right. One dollar.
Why are our prices so low? Because we've gone cah-raaazzzy!
That's right. We're all cah-raaaaazzzzy!!"
3) Young Chinese women all doing puja outside Sri Krishnarama
Hindu Temple:
4) First day there, having breakfast in the breezeway of
our hotel. A tour bus pulls up outside and unexpectedly
there's the usual bad-tempered cadre in his obligatory black
leather jacket shrieking at his group of elderly Mainlander
peasants and I have a mild panic attack and think "Oh god,
it's the crowd of 10,000 China has assigned to me for the
holiday season. They deliver them internationally." But we
never saw any of this lot again so I needn't have worried.
5) A young Chinese man in Hindu garments with tika who
obviously was the boss of Sri Krishnarama Temple:
I said to him "It's strange to see a Chinese Hindu." He got
all snitty and said "My people come from Nepal. All Nepali
are Hindu." Later that day I was in a taxi with an Indian
driver who had a row of bronze Buddhas all along the
dashboard. I said to him. "You are Buddhist?" He said
"All my people are." I said "It's strange to see an Indian
Buddhist." He got all snitty and said "My people come from
Nepal. All Nepali are Buddhist."
I thought to myself "There's two people who obviously have
never ever met but need to in order to get their stories
straight!"
6) A different taxi driver says to us "Do you know anything
about Australian politics?" We reply "A little." He says
"Can you explain John Howard to me?" We said "What do you
want to know?" He says "To me he seems like a strange, boring,
tiny little man with no policies and no charisma, so what
does he have that makes Australians keep voting for him?"
Keith and I looked at each other at a loss for an answer.
Finally I say "Maybe it's because he's so obviously an
honest man."
The driver says "But surely Australia has other politicians
who are honest who have more going for them?" There was
absolutely no comeback to that one and we were very pleased
to finally arrive at our destination.
7) Sitting in the Courtyard Bar at Raffles Hotel drinking
Singapore Slings ...
... and reading in Somerset Maugham's "Far East Tales" about
sitting in the Courtyard Bar at Raffles Hotel drinking
Singapore Slings and feeling most "literary-chic" when the
Malay waiter suddenly says to us "This is the exact
table where Somerset Maugham, Noel Coward and Gunter Grass
used to sit when they drank at this bar!"
It was so wow! But then I heard the same waiter at a table
about 12 feet away from us say to the elderly German
couple about their table "This is exactly the same table
where Noel Coward, Somerset Maugham and Gunter Grass used to
sit!" and didn't they just beam with delight.
It's a con! But as cons go it's a nice one. Raffles staff
really know how to make a punter feel good.
8) Sitting in the rotunda atop Fort Canning Hill trying
to catch the breeze and reading Somerset Maugham when I
suddenly read that he's sitting in the rotunda atop Fort
Canning Hill trying to catch a breeze and reading Byron
only he keeps getting distracted by "the black and
emaciated Tamil gardeners" hoeing at the grass and is
transfixed by "the indescribable beauty of each gesture
they make."
My hair stands on end and I look up and I'm surrounded
by Tamil gardeners hoeing at the grass and, aiming for
literary chic, I try to be transfixed by the indescribable
beauty of each gesture they make but they are all a bunch
of awkward, sullen, shambling teenage gits so I absolutely
can't do it.
Guess Tamil gardners aren't what they used to be ... or
else you have to be a repressed homosexual-in-denial in
order to really understand where Maugham is coming from.
9) We're at the Night Safari (much more about this later)
at Singapore Zoo where you get to wander freely around
their forests and encounter many endangered species.
Anyway, before we set off we get a strict talking-to by a
forest ranger:
"The predators are all well-fed so are unlikely to do you
any harm but please remember they are all wild animals. If
you encounter any dangerous animals do nothing to startle
them. No lights, no sounds, no sudden movements. So don't
use flash on your cameras. Restrict your movements. Don't
make any loud sounds. In fact, keep absolutely quiet the
whole time you're out there."
So Keith and I set off alone wandering down various paths
through the jungle, lit only with moon-light levels of ambient
lighting, when we suddenly encounter two enormous young lions.
They're lying on a rock only about 8 feet away from us and
we can hardly breathe for excitement.
And right at that moment - stupid, stupid, stupid! - we should
have remembered that there's one thing you can count on during
Chinese New Year!!! - someone on an estate nearby lets off
firecrackers. The sky bursts out with light and huge loud
sounds.
Lights. Sounds. Movements. Everything that shouldn't happen.
The lions stiffen and let out that strange barking - like
large asthmatic dogs - then, as the fireworks continue, they
get up and start roaring, their muscles stiffening like they're
getting ready to pounce. The situation instantly becomes
electric and we're backing away quietly. Fast!
We round the corner and we're racing madly down the path
towardsthe cafe in the jungle when we encounter a young American
couple walking the other way. We say "Don't go up there.
There are two lions who've been frightened by the fireworks and
are dangerous."
The young American woman snaps at us "Don't be ridiculous.
I've heard the song. Lions sleep at night."
Hey, what else could we do but let them pass on their way? As
Keithsaid "Someone has to win the Darwin Award for this year!"
Sitting out the fireworks
at the nice cafe in the forest
where they had lots of lovely
forest rangers with
tranquilliser guns.
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