And please don't say "46 degrees f? 8 degrees c? Ha! Call that COLD! You whooz!" because here in HK we're not set up for the chill. We have no heaters, no radiators, no fireplaces, nothing at all to hang over to get warm. All we have is our woolens, our doonas ... and I really have to send kudos to Elle MacPherson for her range of thermal underwear, which somehow, even without her own body in them, manage to both be warm and look attractive. And she manufactures them in Fiji too, did you know?, even though credit is only given to New Zealand. (See, I have managed to mention NZ afterall.)
But for four days now, it's been me, my Elle MacPhersons, my doona and back copies of the newspapers, so let's talk about them instead.
The big English newspaper here is The South China Morning Post, which you used to even be able to buy in the rest of South China too, up in the Guangdong SEZ, only it's now banned in Mainland China, probably for actually reporting the news. However, it may soon be on sale up there again because ... well, SCMP's got really "suck-up-to-Beijing" lately and that's just creepy, isn't it?
In my head, newspapers should be independent, yes?, although it's undoubtedly me being naive, because they're probably all biased in their own way, but I really LIKED having one English language paper that had the appearance of independence. In fact, I had so much respect and admiration for this particular publication because it used to play an important role as part of "The Conscience of China", forever sending journalists up to the Mainland to get 'the real story' - and they were forever getting arrested and beaten and tortured and stuff - so it was real and vital and important and NEEDED! These days ... it's like an exercise in discovering how brown-nosy you can get!
A new Editor? Let me check?
Yes, a new Editor!
Things that make you go "Mmmmm", yes?
And it's particularly unnecessary because the Chinese Communist Party publishes it's own English language newspaper China Daily, although I appear to be the only person around who actually buys it, as I'm regularly told by our local 7/11. I like reading alternative voices ... provided they ARE alternative ... and with SCMP being what it is these days, maybe I won't need to keep buying it ... although CD publishes a really great puzzle called kakuro AND it has the New York Times Crossword which has recently become a daily ritual for me.
Hey, did you know that one of NY Times Crossword compilers just turned 100? She's this gorgeous old English "Flapper" and former suffragette. I thought it had to be something like this because there are occasionally these really odd clues that require you to have so many firsthand references to "modern culture" stuff from early last century, so - again with the rampant curiosity - I went looking for why it should be so, and thus discovered a new hero, although I'm afraid I've forgotten her name.
Should find out again and blog her for you, shouldn't I?, because I just loved what I found out about her.
But back to HK newspapers.
The third and last daily is The Standard, which is now a free giveaway in the MTR of mornings, but which used to be a regular newspaper you got at the news stands ... and it's now so annoying because, back then, I got addicted to the daily telegraph crytic crossword and MUST do it every day and now it's so hard to get one of the papers if you aren't up at dawn and off to work before 7.00am. However, Keith IS up and off to work, so always comes home with one ... and the deal is I've got to have the puzzle finished before he comes home with the answers. Some days I actually manage it. Rare, however!
So those three are our daily English newspapers, but we also have weeklies, the big one being HK Magazine, which is mega-cool, totally must-have, and free too although you have to know where to pick it up. Can't praise this Arts and Entertainment paper enough, since it is an awesome publication that gives you the big news of what's happening around town, along with hilarious articles about stuff 'on-trend', and with truly funny journalists and columnists.
And I was astonished to see, in Singapore, that they have an identical format IS Magazine, with a lot of the same stuff - only Singapore-based Arts and Entertainment naturally - but without the cartoons and Dan Savage's sex advice, which is undoubtedly because Singapore is hopelessly puritan and doesn't allow jokes and sex.
Singaporeans must go on holiday for those sorts of things. Gosh, has it really been a year since we were in Luang Prabang being kept awake all night by The Singapore Sex Pigs in the room next door; that hotel-clearing screaming threesome into Swingles music and Spankings? Seems like it was only a month or so ago.
But this is meant to be about newspapers, so "focus, Denise!"
So that's it, apart from BC which is a terrific publication, only more like a magazine than a newspaper so doesn't really count.
However, this is all backstory because I really wanted to talk about HK's newspaper columnists:
I LOVE HK columnists. Boy, they can write.
Ranking them according to my favourites, the big one, the gorgeous one, the first-one-you-think-of, is the one-and-only Nury Vittachi, author of The Feng Shui Detective Series, and founder of the Hong Kong Literary Festival. He has a daily column in The Standard, and, man, this guy is funny. In fact, when he's on-form he's probably one of the funniest guys on the planet, and even when he's not on form, he's still well worth reading. Love him.
However, it's increasingly annoying that Keith and I are the only people I know who don't know him personally and while everyone else calls him a friend, forever off to meet him for dinner, or coffee, or drinks, we haven't met him even once, nor even spotted him somewhere in passing. How is this fair?
I mean ... talk about ENVY!!! It would be just so cool to bounce ideas around with someone who can make everything downright hilarious. And to do it so often! It's hardly justice, is it!
And then, my next favourite columnist, would have to be Amy "The Goddess" Ma. Gosh, I adore this lady. She's a restaurant reviewer who's meant to have a simple 'foodie' column in HK Magazine, but she writes like a dream so even the most mundane stories spin off into Great and Sublime Truths. Oh yes, she leaves you so constantly in awe, with such a swirling headful of deep and profound thoughts, she's like "Joseph Conrad, Restaurant Reviewer".
How are there people in the world who can write like this? Truly, by showing me what real writers are actually capable of, she keeps me humble. And to do it all in such simple and unpretentious prose; all elegance, intelligence, humour, wit, and with a musicality all of her own. Goddess!
Like, her article on Judas Cows actually made me cry. Do you know about them? How abattoirs keep a cow on hand to lead the other cows cheerfully to their deaths? And how these treacherous cows are called Judas Cows? However, I think it was how Amy Ma got from reviewing a restaurant to Judas Cows to the financial tsunami to sacking bankers and ending up practically with the relationship between man and god ... oh boy, was it beautiful ... the secret reason for those tears was that I really knew I wasn't in her league. Goddess!
My next favourite would be Johannes Pong. He's the nightlife reviewer, forever cruising the scene and, in between martinis, Manhattans and "Sex and the City" references, stumbling across people he wants to slap senseless, and being very funny about it. He began his writing life as a simple blogger, talking about HK at Night, and folks so loved him - he had nearly a million hits daily - he got his own column, gets paid heaps for it and is now a bona fide celebrity in his own right. It's the dream, right?, as Perez Hilton can attest!
However, what I particularly love about him is the on-going tension between his "discovering who I am" side - all sessions with his guru, his explorations into yoga and New Age Hindu philosophies - abutting against his "Bitch, PULEZE." and "Let's Party, Sensational-Dudes!" and "What do I wear tonight to knock their Gucci socks off?" nightlife persona. It's the fact he doesn't exactly pull it off that makes me so love the guy!
And the final columnist to rate a mention, who I on-and-off love, would have to be Chip Tsao. Keith detests him with a passion and considers him borderline evil, and I can see where he's coming from because whenever I read Chip, I frequently have to ask myself "Who IS this guy?" because it's like he's channeling so many different personas, only a couple of whom I actually like, one of whom I actually admire, and a bunch of others who can't write and have opinions that I find very off-putting at best, and downright OFFENSIVE at worst.
At his best, he's this fine and erudite prose-ster who writes beautiful and balanced articles about what's happening up in the Mainland, criticising when necessary, praising when it's due, with a heart in the right place and a respect for HK's freedoms. At his worst - if it's actually him who's written it - it's like Beijing's Red Army tanks rumbling across the border and shooting us down can't happen soon enough for his taste.
Like, this week his column is all kinda- "Beijing put a gun to my head and forced me to write this." because he's all joyous that Beijing executed a Briton. It happened several days ago, and, since it's for smuggling heroin, I can't say I really care that much, but what makes me so cross is Chip's gloating over the fact that Gordon Brown, UK's PM, tried to save him without success, only managing to peeve Beijing in the process, and going all out cheering the Mainland for humiliating a foreign leader, and waxing big about how G.B., along with the rest of the world, needs to learn to "mind their own business" - as if executing a Briton wasn't exactly the business of Britian's Prime Minister.
Hey, the sun has just come out! I HAVE to get this body moving because I feel like sludge, so I'll go out now, and finish this up later, perhaps after I've thought about this more and - a la Amy Ma - can actually say something important and needful about what's happening here.
Decided that profundity is beyond me and the best I can do is doggerel, so here's my conclusion:
There was a young writer named Tsao
Who once was a critic of Mao
Til he became Beijing's Cupid
And things 'came quite stupid
And now he's Hong Kong's Judas Cow.
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