Food in HK

Keith is still on his infernal quest to eat every sort of food cooked up by the Cantonese - who cook and eat EVERYTHING so he's got a long haul ahead - and last night we found a restaurant that served snake. 

I can't tell you if snake tastes like chicken because I had the fish, but I can tell you that people who eat snake look like chickens.

Not kidding: normally HongKongers are very conservative so I couldn't get over the haircuts of all the diners. They all had something like a mohawk, all shaved sides and gelled up high on top, only these guys were all in business suits so it looked the wrongest wrong imaginable.

It took me a while to figure out that these weren't Weird-World Accountants ... we were, in fact, in triad territory. These were all members of the same gang ... perhaps The Snake Eaters Tong. The Chicken Head Tong? Who knows! But they were all very nice and everyone left us alone, although they possibly wouldn't have if I asked them to explain their stupid dos. And Keith reports that their snake and abergine hotpot is very nice but we'll take his word for it, won't we!

As you can see, I have no real news. I'm just killing time while Keith watches some silly man-movie.

ISOBELLE CARMODY

Isobelle and Little Fir.

(SCMP doesn't allow you to use their images in blogs, 

but this is obviously a photo taken by me.)

Had lunch with Australian fantasy author Isobelle Carmody and must tell you she's just gorgeous.  Back when I taught English in High School, I used to teach her novel "The Gathering" which the kids always fell in love with.  Adults, being adults, think her books are too dark and frightening for children but when has that ever stopped kids from loving something, and there is something about her books that really get to them.  (I suspect it's the depth of her characterisations and the fact her children always rescue themselves.)

How I got to meet her is that the "Little Fir" series are about to be published in China and her long-time friend Mrs Walker (of "Mrs Walker's Obscure Tours" in entries below) organised a trip to Hong Kong so she could check out the place. Mrs Walker also organised a very nice Literary Lunch - kindly paid for by the Australian Embassy - so we could all meet her too, and I have to tell you I have never seen so many elfin children in one place ever before.  I wished I was casting for "Lord of the Rings" because I would have been spoiled for choice.

Got to meet Isobelle properly after the crowd left and we had such a funny conversation about "dressing as an author". We both thought the other did it very well, but, really, she just aces it. I adore her elegant "Mrs Haversham meets Griselda" and wish I had the confidence to do it myself. 

We also chatted about HK and she said she'd always avoided the place because she thought it would be crazy. Instead she found a safe, dynamic city, where everyone is calm and has such beautiful manners and she mentioned that several times she's been walking around alone after midnight and felt more safe than she ever has in any place ever before. I said, as I always do when people say this, "That's because the triads don't allow freelance crime!" and she said "I really would like to write them a letter to thank them."  Isn't that such a wonderful line? I'm almost tempted to steal it.

Isn't it nice when someone you admire as a writer turns out to also be a great person.

So, there it is: and if you want to know more about Isobelle Carmody click on her name - although I don't quite trust that is what will come up - so you can also try: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isobelle_Carmody

KING'S PALACE, BANGKOK, THAILAND

KING BHUMIBOL'S PALACE, BANGKOK

While in Bangkok, you should visit the king's palace which is open to the public. There is a dress code and you need a sleeved shirt and closed shoes, but - F.Y.I - they do have them on hand for you to borrow but I think it costs you a few baht.

Although the palace is gorgeous, you should give the museum a miss. It's obvious that the queen didn't know what to do with the old bits that she had pulled out during a restoration, so she stuck them into a room and called it "A Museum". Rather sad really.

The easiest way to get there is to catch a riverboat which drops you off at the quay. (Need to check the number of the quay, but anyone can tell you.)

FYI: When you arrive the touts will tell you that the palace is closed for two hours and that they will take you for a tour to fill the time. It's all a lie. They just want to take you to jewelry shops because they get a commission on everything you buy. Signs inside the palace warn you about it, but, like, isn't that too late.

Have written about the palace but can't find the letter, however, in the meantime, here are a few photographs:

Keith meets his match.

Mosaics everywhere.

Entrance to two wats.

A complex of wats.

More totally gorgeous mosaics.

CHATACHAP MARKETS, BANGKOK, THAILAND

When you're next in Bangkok, you must go to Chatachap Markets. They are frankly extraordinary. To reach there without any fuss or bother, take the skyrail and get off at the last stop on the line.

I have yet to find any of the letters I wrote about this astonishing place, but, in the meantime, here are a few shots taken around the markets. I would download a lot more, only this blogger doesn't seem to want to let me.

CHATACHAP MARKETS, BANGKOK

Street entertainment.

A surprisingly good banjo band.

Gorgeous ceramics.

Dancing girls.

Home-made hand

bags in Thai silk.

I got the one in purple.

An Australian classic, but

home-made in gorgeous colours.

A ruby.

And, yup, that's its real size.

Gemstones.

Hand-woven silks.

Made on a loom.

It is SOOO not hype!

Went to see Akiko play the Mozart Violin Concertos this weekend because she was playing "Dolphin", one of the most famous and precious of all the Stradivarius violins on earth. (They actually rank it third best.) I'd never heard a Stradivarius "in the flesh" and wanted to know if everything they say about the superiority of this guy's work was all hype or not.

Have to tell you, it isn't. From the very first note, which gave me goosebumps, you could really hear the difference, and I'm such a musical philistine you wouldn't think I could.

You know, I actually love it when things like this turn out to be true.

And if you want to know more about Dolphin, click here.

SINGAPORE - NIGHT ZOO SAFARI - 2005

Keith and I both agree that Singapore Zoo's Night Safari is absolutely the best thing we've ever done in our lives! And there's no greater high than getting spooked by angry lions, I promise you. You must must must get around to doing it yourself one day.

We didn't take many photographs of the night because you're forbidden to use a flash around the animals but we did take photos in and around the cafe in the centre of the island where we sheltered from the angry lions, waiting out the end of the fireworks display.

F.Y.I. Don't visit this zoo during Chinese New Year when Singapore lets off a massive fireworks display and all the animals get bigtime spooked. Or do, if you want an extra dose of excitement.

SINGAPORE ZOO NIGHT SAFARI

This is a program where Singapore Zoo supports its "Endangered Species Breeding Program" by letting gits-like-us walk through their forests at night for a high price. Keith read about it and decided he wanted to do it desperately and, like a good wife should, I went along to ensure he wasn't eaten by leopards.

It's on a small island cut off from the rest of the zoo and the whole place is lit with moon-light levels of blue light discretely placed around the trees so you don't notice the source and you wander freely along paths through the rainforest where, if you're lucky, you get to see all these nocturnal creatures.

I can do tea and smokes anyplace, can't I!

And I covered up anticipating mosquitoes,

but didn't notice any.

It's meant to be all open-and-free but I noticed subtle conturing of the landscape with ha-has and electric wire and mesh and non-reflective glass in appropriate places, secretly keeping the predators away from the public, which made me very happy because the concept really is downright irresponsible when you think about it. There are also trams if you don't want to do the thing on foot which is also very kind of them.

And there's a chic cappachino cafe, all sienna plaster and gorgeous, right in the centre of the jungle for if the going gets tough - or for you to hide in whenever the city lets off fireworks and the animals get all narky. It's my idea of a perfect world having cafes in the centres of jungles, although here the tea they make is inexorable!

OK, now for the animals. Below I will tell you about the angry spooked lions so I won't do it again although it definitely was the highlight of the five hours we were out there. That whole episode was soooo cool, although we didn't think so until after it was all over.

We saw lots of a very wide range of various endangered species but mostly only off in the distance so it was mostly like a regular zoo. However we did have a few meaningful encounters which took our breath away.

Like, we had a tapir come right up to us and it stood right next to Keith, gazed lovingly up into his face then put its head on Keith's chest. Amazing! It was black-and-white and HUGE. I didn't know they came that big. They tell you not to touch the animals but there's nothing you can do if they want to touch you. We decided it was a she and I'm going "It's the beard. She fancies you. She wants you." and then started to sing-song "You've got a girlfriend!" but that's just because I was jealous it was happening to him instead of me! Keith didn't laugh, however. He was transfixed with the wonder of it and was glowing with pure pleasure. Then a tram came along and she moved off or we'd probably still be there now.

And then there was the tarsier. (2008 - It had to have been a baby because the books all say they're about 6 inches tall, but this one was closer to three!) That encounter was so magical and we spoke in breathless whispers for ages afterwards. See, we were walking along when something winsy-small leapt onto a log right next to us, right at eye-level. We thought it was a mouse but then it stood upright and looked at us, hands on its hips, exactly like a human would stand, staring at us querilously. It only had two nipples, had a hairless chest and stomach, was about the size of my middle finger and, yes, looked exactly like a tiny massive-eyed fairy. And then it jumped off the log and vanished into the undergrowth. Instant love! I instantly wanted to get involved in preventing the destruction of whatever rainforest in whatever part of the world this magical little creature comes from just so they can continue to live on this planet. Gorgeous!

And there was the leopard. Most disappointing. This spotted cat, the size of a labrador, leaps down from a rock right next to us, rubs up against our legs, looks up at us benignly and says "Meeow!" then leaps back up onto a high rock and vanishes into the dark. We're going "I didn't know leopards said "Meeow!" and "Bah humbug!" and "If that's what leopards are really like we've been conned our whole lives." It wasn't until half-an-hour later when we came across three real leopards that we discovered what we'd encountered earlier was something totally different. (We looked it up in "What leopard is that?" on the zoo's identification chart and discovered it was a Clouded Leopard and it said that they're harmless and very cat-like, which we can definitely confirm.)

Real leopard-leopards are exactly what we've all been led to believe. They're HUGE - actually bigger than the two lions we saw up close - and heavily muscled and are downright scary and they say "Rooooaaarrrrr" the way they're meant to. These leopards were in a supposedly-invisible meshed area and behind supposedly-invisible glass - but they were leaning right up against it, trying to get to us, so we could see it was a con - and one of the nicest cons I've ever come across - I would have HATED meeting these ones for real - as they are genuinely terrifying creatures. RESPECT!!!

Oh, and there were other cat-creatures behind secret glass as well. They were the size of house-cats and looked like the sort of creatures you'd have in your home. It was only the lean muscle-mass and the spots that let you know they weren't regular cats. They looked so harmless we couldn't understand why they were as discretely removed from contact with the public as the leopard-leopards, but when we looked up "What leopard is that?" - can't remember what they're called - we discovered they're considered very, very dangerous. And they're not classified "felix" either which was odd considering how much they looked like Siamese cats. They have the same classification as other leopards, although I've already forgotten what that's called. (Can you see a horror film in there someplace too?)

What else did we see up close? Oh, the otters. They were so cute. They were hungry and doing tricks for us. No, seriously! Real tricks! We were so pleased when a nice Malay forest ranger came to throw fish to them because we felt mean seeing them work so hard when we had nothing to give them. Hard to believe these are actually wild animals, but they are. And no one taught them these tricks; they came up with them on their own. I don't really know anything about otters? Are they meant to be really clever or something? They seem to be.

Oh, oh, oh, the mouse-deer. They were only a foot away from us. Sooo gorgeous. They're so tiny and they look exactly like guinea pigs on stilts.

And before I forget: we saw a turkin!!! It's a cross between a chicken and a turkey. They're mules and infertile but did you ever know that you could actually cross-breed them? You really need to see one since they're really strange-looking, in fact they're downright creepy.

And that's what we encountered up close although we saw heaps and heaps more. Elephants frolicking in a river in a gully. Lots of tigers - even the zoo's very special albino tiger - on their own small island. (Tigers are even bigger than the leopards which were themselves even bigger than the lions, which means tigers are really only slightly smaller than grizzly bears. Oh, and they do this blood-freezing low growl that has to be heard to be believed. It freezes you in your tracks! Terrifying!) Giraffes, zebras, huge range of endangered deer, lots of things I'd never heard of and lots of things I had heard of but never expected to see.

In fact, they've got a veritable Noah's Ark on that island. Just about every endangered species on earth. And they're breeding them successfully too. That was actually the most important part of the safari for me. I checked to see that the successful breeding had continued since they started letting people wander around among these creatures and it has. I wouldn't have been a party to it if it hadn't.

So that was the Night Safari. A beautiful beautiful experience. Five gorgeous hours. We didn't want to leave but a nice Indian guy came along and told us it was twenty minutes past midnight and the zoo was actually closed and we'd missed all the regular transport but the staff bus was leaving in ten minutes so we could go with them if we left immediately. We said we didn't mind staying all night and why didn't he just pretend he hadn't seen us but he said the lights were already meant to be off and it got genuinely frightening in the real dark, so we walked back with him out of the jungle.

And that's the story of the Singapore Night Zoo Safari. You have to do it. You really must. Put it on your list of Must-dos and circle it in red and give it a very high priority. It's the best thing I have ever done in my life and I want you all and everyone else on earth to do it too ... and let's all do everything we can to save the rainforest ... if only so the world can continue to have tansiers which are the best thing I have ever, ever, ever seen EVER, EVER, EVER!

THE TWO BEST STORIES FROM OUR NIGHT ZOO EXPERIENCE:

1) Before they let you onto the island, you get a big lecture on how you're not allowed to make any noise, make any sudden moves, or show any light because it can frighten the animals and they become erratic and dangerous.

Well, sheerly by chance, we're up on a hill looking at these two magnificent lions high on a ledge above us, with only a ha-ha between us and them, when suddenly Singapore lets off its annual fireworks display to celebrate Chinese New Year. And it's all happening in the sky immediately above us. Talk about SUDDEN NOISE, MOVEMENT AND LIGHT!!! And we're in exactly the wrong place when it happens.

Instantly, the lions go from relaxed-loll to total anger, and they look at us like they think we're responsible, and they let out this roar letting us know we're about to be severely punished, and their muscles harden and they're preparing to leap and we just know that they can get from that ledge across the ha-ha to us anytime they choose! And they're about to do it too!

What can you do! Totally terrified, we back away slowly, and the moment we're around the corner we start this panicked run down to the cafe where we can see regular lighting through the trees.

And we're around the second corner - convinced the lions have made the leap and are just behind us - when we see a middle-aged American couple walking up the hill towards us. We tell them "Don't go up there. The lions have been spooked by the fireworks and they're dangerous!" and the Yank woman replies, nastily, "Don't be ridiculous! I've heard the song. The lion sleeps at night!" and they continue to up the hill.

I'm standing there, flapping like a fish out of water, going "But ... but ... but ..." wondering if I shouldn't race after them and tackle them to the ground or something. But Keith says "Let them go! Someone has to win The Darwin Award for this year!" and I realise I've done all I can, so we continue our run down to the cafe, only not so fast now we know there's two juicy targets between us and them.

But when we get there, since I'm basically a nice person, I tell the Zoo wardens in there what has happened and they go into instant panic mode, grab their tranquilliser guns and go racing off to take care of it.

So, obviously, even when there are people around who honestly deserve The Darwin Award (given each year for those people who've died most spectacularly as a result of their own sheer stupidity), Singapore Zoo prefers it doesn't happen at their place!

2) There was lovely Indian couple who walked alongside us for a while and we chatted a little here and there. Perfect English. Nice jokes. Obviously very well educated. Anyway, they had this tiny little daughter between them, a parent holding a hand each and occasionally swinging her along, all very loving and close and happy. Then suddenly the little girls screams in terror and clutches her mother, and "Mummy, that's the thing that attacked me!"

We'd come across hyenas - discretely behind a ha-ha - and the mother replies in very measured, amiable tones, "Yes, and see, that's the mummy, and that's her little baby!" and, since the kid is trembling in fear - sick with fear even - I say "Is this really necessary?" in the most withering of tones and the mum whispers to me "Psychologist says I have to do it!" and then she switches to Hindi and we realise, from the obviously rehearsed way the mum's talking and the little kiddy's scars - which we previously hadn't noticed - that the whole purpose of this excursion was to help the little girl overcome some trauma. Most likely to do with hyenas, yes?

We lingered for a while to eavesdrop until we realised they weren't going to revert to English and, besides, they seemed to be doing an excellent job handling what was undoubtedly a very tricky situation. Mummy seemed to be making much of the baby hyenas and the fact that they too had mummies. It seemed all very interesting and high-drama-ish and they so obviously had come a very long way to do it and was obviously going to take ages so we said our farewells to the father, who was standing by looking anxious, and left them to do it without an audience.

This begs the question: do they have wild hyenas in India? Or would this family have come from Africa?

And the really important question: do we really need to conserve hyenas when they are so obviously still in abundance somewhere in the world, so much so they get to attack tiny little children who certainly don't deserve it?

Tapirs, yes! Tansiers, definitely yes! Tigers, yes! But is every species on earth worth conserving? Or is this whole question too controversial to be handled here?

Australian Rules of Etiquette

This has just been sent to me. I think it's hilarious:

AUSTRALIAN RULES OF ETIQUETTE

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste offinger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns are loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

Check this out!

Someone just send me this!

Q. So, what do you get if you cross a pitbull with a porcupine?

A. One very sad pitbull!

SAIGON, VIETNAM - 2004

Alan has been offered a job in Saigon. When he told us, we went "Errrrkk!!!". He asked us what it was like and, because it was too hard to explain, I promised to post this letter I wrote when we got back to HK after our 2004 visit.  Alan, this is for you:

HO CHI MIHN CITY - 2004

Within two minutes of arriving in Ho Chi Mihn City (formerly Saigon) I developed that sharp pinpoint headache I always get around toxic chemicals. An hour later the nose-bleeds started. By nightfall, I'd developed these strange purple blood-blisters over every inch of exposed skin. By the following morning my gums were swollen (I thoughtlessly used tapwater to clean my teeth.) and within two days they were huge, red and bleeding and my face had swollen into this huge red balloon. The glands in my neck then swelled as my system struggled heroically against the environment. But by then I was coughing up black, bloody, tarry phlegm and it was nice to have something other than a sudden onset of tuberculosis to blame the blood on. 

(2008 - It turned out to actually be TB; seems there'd been tuberculosis bacillia in the tap water. However, since I'd grown up next door to dad's TB hospital, my system knew these suckers well so went into overdrive and zapped them bigtime which meant, by the time we got back to HK and I had tests done, it was all over!) (Gosh, I just adore my immune system!) 

(F.Y.I. If you stay at this hotel, clean your teeth with bottled water!)

Then, each night when we'd shower, the water swirling down the drain would be black, oily and rainbow-slicked, and we hadn't even been swimming in petrol. This was just from the grime of the streets and air and we didn't even stray out of the richer suburbs.

I think you can get the picture here. The place is toxic. I don't know what Vietnam is using to fuel it's Asian economic miracle but it's going to kill them. Certainly almost killed me.

Keith fared better and worse than me in the health department. He merely, um, joined the South East Asia Weight Loss Program. Oh, that and a little of the tarry coughing. My stomach remained cast iron and normally I would have had gloating rights only Keith said my cluster of disgusting symptoms far outweighed his. This, of course, could be debated only the topic is too revolting to talk about.

(2008 - Keith looking decidedly queasy.)

As for the rest, the Vietnamese people who crossed our path were, to a wo/man, unspeakable.  Apart from a brief half hour as the sun sets - when everyone brings plastic chairs out onto the pavement to quietly enjoy the passing parade and golden light and they become all soft and smiling and likable - they are savage, nasty, cut-throat, thieving, lying, cheating bastards. It was as if every single person we came across decided to teach us a different way people can screw over other people. It was an eye-opener and an education, but one I could have done without. We worked out later that, in the five days, we'd lost over VND$1.5 million in their various conniving swindling game-playing and we counted ourselves lucky to have not lost more.

There is no tradition of service in Vietnam and we were instructed by various people and guidebooks to act very pleased if, say, a waiter ever brought us our order quickly and correctly. There was no need to act anything because no one ever did. (Apart from a single place but I'm saving that for last). The gem of bad service was the young waiter who was in the middle of taking our order when he saw a pretty girl walk by outside and just dashed off. We could see all through the window. It took 20 minutes for her to agree to meet with him, and all the while we just sat there stunned, unable to believe it had just happened. 

No, wait! Better one than that! The waiter who sold my lighter to the Beijing Bully-Boy sitting at the next table! Beijing Bully, see, offered this guy US$20. to go out and buy him a lighter so he took the money, crossed to our table, cheerfully picked up my lighter and gave it to him. Flabbergasting!  Naturally, I went over to Beijing Bully-Boy and took it back. He naturally objected. I told him it was mine and to sort it out with the waiter because it wasn't my problem. The waiter saw the B.B.B. look around for him and promptly disappeared out the front door. We left immediately too because it looked like it was about to turn nasty.

Visually? Not good. Ex-Saigon region is generally is ugly. Visible brown smog covers everything, Saigon River is brown and polluted, stinking with raw floating sewerage, and the Mighty Mekong is mere mudflats. The landscape too is ugly since they missed out on the last two monsoons so everything is parched and brown and instead of lush green it looks like the Australian outback in that's it's all floating red dust eddies but the Outback eddies are clean 

and these were full of swirling plastic bags and rubbish and general filth.

What else? Oh, the traffic! Terrifying! There's a population of 7 million (4 million illegals) and I swear each of them owns a Vespa. Motorbikes everywhere and not a single road rule. Chaos reigns. But we quickly learned that the traffic is a paper tiger. You want to cross a road you just step determinably into the street and cross fast, looking neither left nor right. Everyone will avoid you. Takes courage, sure, but you spy a silk shop across the road and you're willing risk everything.

So why, you must be asking yourself, based on our experiences, would anyone ever want to go to Ex-Saigon? That's because I haven't yet mentioned the food. To give Vietnam it's due it's food is wonderful!!! Their curries are sublime and everything else is so wonderful and moreish and we found a different buffet each night so we could hoe into everything and anything and nothing disappointed us. Ah, I'm drooling just thinking of their limes and their lemongrass toppings and those wonderful not-hot spices in their sauces. And they have escargo the size of Keith's fist that are yummmmmm! And their fish! And their duck! And those curries! And their rice dumplings! And they had soursop icecream which I haven't eaten since I was a child and made me want to weep from happiness and nostalgia. And, and, and ... so so muchthat's beyond-desirable. Yup, the food alone is almost enough to make up for the awfulness of the people and environment and make the place a desirable destination. But not quite.

It's the silks that make the whole place worthwhile. Gosh, the Vietnamese do this well. If I'd only had, say, another maybe VND$1.5 million available, I'd have spent it all on those fabulous fabrics. I can't stress this enough; Vietnamese silks are glorious. I wanted to buy every scrap of every material they'd ever produced. Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. I even, for a brief heady thankfully-transient moment, wanted to live in Ex-Saigon so I could spend the rest of my life buying silks and designing clothes to show off the skill and artistry of the Vietnamese weavers art, it was that wonderful.

But wait, are these genuinely enough to make you wish to visit? The rest of the world has Vietnamese restaurants and they export their silks too so a person has no need to go there at all. So, is there anything about Saigon that makes it a place worthy of visiting?

Mmmmm! What's good? Very nice French colonial architecture, beautifully maintained. Glorious public buildings. Churches. Fabulous public art. Wide tree-lined avenues. Lovely interesting colonial architecture around some of the backstreets and the arty-homosexual-set have only just started to move in to do up places so you'd still be able to get something very nice to do up yourself; that's if you wanted to live there to design clothes and play with the fabrics and all the rest. And the schoolgirls look so sweet in their white silk ao dai (traditional two-piece costume) and you just so respect them that they're able to look so fresh and clean in such filth. (They too all ride Vespas) 

Nice coffee shops too with genuinely good coffee, if you can ever get a waiter to serve you.

Is that it?

No, there's still a huge reason to go to Ex-Saigon: The Bellevue Terrace Bar, 8th floor, Majestic Hotel on the banks of the Saigon River. 

Here they're in a time-loop and you're back in 1930s Indochine (without the horse-whipping of natives), with French-trained waiters who know their food and wine and everything is delicious and the service is to-die-for, with everything so clean, light and beautiful, and all sorts of precious oriental antiques and beautiful oriental furniture. 

Go there on a Sunday night - preferably when there's a full moon - when they have their glorious pseudo-Mexican band playing salsa, and drink their wonderful chablis in the moonlight, while 8 floors below the Saigon River pretends not to be a stinking filthy cesspool and the passing riverboats don't look like the deathtraps they are, and the passing parade of 7 million Vespas below look like fairy lights.

It's times like these that make Ex-Saigon a place worthy of visiting.  But then again ...

So, Alan, now that you know all this, do you still want to take the job?

I have other letters written about this visit, but I'll have to hunt for them. And if and when I find them, I'll post them here as well.   I'll even add photos, if I find any.

Here. Found another letter:

I'm trying to think of stories of things that happened in Vietnam which will give you a feel for the place. Lots of stuff happened, sure, but unfortunately most of those stories are too sour to be remembered. A few small examples to show you what I mean:

1) The young beggar girl who followed us for three hours, alternatively whining and shouting at us, pushing us and pulling at us, complaining that we hadn't given her enough money. Then, at the end, after she'd p*ssed us off beyond our endurance and Keith threatened to hit her unless she went, screaming at us for wasting her time.

2) The Yuppie-Mum: actually that's a story worth telling: There's this clearly middle-class Vietnamese mother, see, with three young children under seven. All were very well dressed and mum was driving a Volvo - looked like they were the family of a dentist or something - and the mum was buying from this trendy French storefront ice-cream parlour. As we approached, the three children saw us and immediately took on sad-sack beggar faces and began to rub their tummies and whine, beggar-like, at us. "Dollars. You give dollars. We hungry. Hungry." Unexpectedly cross because we'd just got rid of Beggar-Girl, I "heyed" the mother to look what her children were up to. She turned, saw and immediately adopted the same voice and face and words, only she couldn't rub her tummy because she was holding four very expensive gourmet ice-creams. I felt a surge of blind rage and snapped "Don't any of you people know the meaning of self-respect." and stomped on.

OK! Most of the Vietnam stories I could tell you are in that vein and who wants to remember those!

But the nice stuff in Vietnam I've already told you: food, silks, epic bronze statues, terrific old buildings, wonderful avenues, schoolgirls' white silk uniforms, faux-Mexican salsa bands, the Bellevue Bar on the 8th floor of Hotel Majestic. So what else can I talk about? Let me think?

Ah, the "Sri Rama Hindu Temple and Motorbike Repair Shop"! We couldn't believe the sign so snuck in to take a look. We got caught but the priests/mechanics were lovely and showed us around their three hundred year old temple and their thirty year old repair shop and, most wonderfully, their inner sanctum which consisted of a Wall of Heroes - people they've admired over the last three hundred years - a collection of gloriously bad portraits of various people. 

The only faces we recognised were Gandhi and Nehru but a lot of the others - especially the more recent ones - appeared to be Muslim. This would have been worrying except these Hindu-guru-motorbike-wallahs were so cheerful and full of good will and seemed to have nothing to hide. And there was no portrait of Osama Bin Laden which would have been a dead giveaway of how far Vietnamese Hindus have parted from their homeland brethren. We took lots of photos I'll probably end up showing you. That's a happy memory. 

(2008 - There's a follow up to this story, but some other time.)

Anything else? Ah, Fanny's Ice-Cream Parlour and Restaurant. Took photos of that too. It's the most beautifully restored inner-city three-storey block of restaurant/stores/ apartments/artist studios etc. It's over a century old and it's perfectly done-up, keeping all the best of the old stuff and blending it in with a post-modern kinda-wacky aethetic. It was this building that made me yearn to live in Saigon and find my own interesting city block to do up just like this one. 

I crept around trying to check it out and again got caught ... by this lovely French lady who seemed to have done it herself and who may or may not have been Fanny. She spoke no English but we understood each other very well and she showed me around and pointed out things I may not have noticed. And that's when I discovered that "Wow! Fantastic! You are so clever!" is pure meta-language and thus universally understood. Another happy memory.

What else? Delta Goodram on just about every video we passed. I mean, what's that about? This is just a little Australian pop singer who got cancer last year. How does that translate into superstar status in a completely foreign country. Odd!

Oh, and that wonderful cobalt-blue goldfish painted on that six thousand year old bowl. But I've already told you about that.

What else? The store called (omitted the name)? Nah! That's not a happy memory, but I'll tell you anyway. Read in the local newspaper all about this amazing store and amazing woman who ran it - "So creative and talented, darling!" - so went to a lot of trouble to find the place and turns out to be just a store run by a dicky little Frenchwoman who shops at Stanley Markets in Hong Kong and has a good press agent. Gosh, I was cross. All her stock was stuff you see everywhere here: Shenzhen-fakes of Alan Chan and Vivienne Tam's wonderful designs, yet she'd had the nerve to put her name on everything and claims to have designed it all. And she was such an arrogant little piglet I yearned to expose her fraud to the world. But no! Sour memory so let's forget it!

What else? Ah, the rules of the hotel we were staying at! I found those such a scream I sent them to Rayna so she could laugh too. Stuff like "Guests are forbidden to bring radioactive materials into their rooms." and "If there is an explosion in your room please inform hotel staff." It was sooo off-the-planet it kept Keith and myself in stitches for ages. Gosh, what must it be like to live in a place like Saigon when you have to develop rules like these?

Anything else? Oh, that massage given by a middle-aged Vietnamese woman called Annie who works out of the spa at The Hotel Grand! I've never come across anyone with more magical hands. Totally unforgettable angelic bliss for a whole hour. I kept thinking "If word ever gets out that a Vietnamese woman's touch feels like this, none of we-women-of-the-rest-of-the-world will ever be able to get ourselves a man!"  And then, just to test if all Vietnamese women felt like this, I went back the next day for another massage, and this time I selected someone else - they all line up and you choose them like in a brothel or something - and Annie looked so hurt. And the new lady I chose was totally lousy so that dispelled my theory.  However, when I wanted to go back the next day as well, so I could again choose Annie and make it alright with her, Keith had just discovered we'd had over a million dong scammed off us, so wouldn't let me "waste money this way!", so Annie had to remain hurt.  Another sour memory?

Anything more I can tell you about Vietnam that isn't sour and nasty? Nope, I think that's exhausted the topic. So there you have it, Our Vietnam sans the viciousness.

Hope you enjoyed our trip!

BEST BANGKOK ADVICE

Now that I've been to Bangkok many times, I feel I've sorted it all out - as far as anyone can - and can now offer advice. This is a letter to a friend who was going for the first time and wanted to know what was good:

The best advice ever about Bangkok: don't ever try to visit more than five wats (Thai temples) in a year. Yes, they are all different, and yes, they are all beautiful, but when you see lots of them the underlying essential sameness ends up making beauty boring and that's never ever a good thing.

See, our first trip to Bangkok, I got into a very funny discussion about a fountain (the one above) with a lovely Thai gentleman who turned out to be the property billionaire who'd donated this fountain to the public (I've noticed it's now no longer there and I hope it wasn't because of something I'd said.) and after he stopped laughing he asked us what we wanted to do while in Bangkok and I said "See lots and lots of wats." so he magically summoned a car and chauffeur who was instructed to show us lots and lots of wats. 

Well, after seeing six of them in a row we were like "No more. Please, no more." ... and then, for the sake of good manners, we saw another twelve of the stupid bloody things and after that it was good-manners-be-damned, we were out of there. I was so over-dosed by that experience that these days even a glimpse of yet another sodding wat and I'm ready to run away screaming.

But you do need to at least see a couple of wats because that's what Thailand is really all about.

Wats to see? Go to The King's Palace for the most beautiful and, as a bonus, you get your five all in one hit. Oh, and F.Y.I., here's a warning: the touts outside the palace always say "The palace is shut for lunch" or whatever and tell you that you have two hours before it opens again and offer you a sight-seeing tour to fill your time. It's all lies!!! They take you to jewellery shops and a wat or two ... and meanwhile the palace was open the whole time. There are all these signs INSIDE the palace warning you about it, but, like, isn't that too late?

Oh, and my other piece of very best advice for Bangkok is to, as far as possible, avoid taking cars and instead take the local river boats along Chaos Praya and the klongs. It's so nice and cool on the water, waaayy cheaper than taxis or tuktuks - and no one highjacks you to take you to jewellery shops - plus it's the way Bangkok is meant to be seen - Southeast Asia's Venice - and you get to avoid all the petrol fumes and hideous traffic congestion that make this gorgeous city "just another Asian destination".

Other things worth seeing? Everything, I think, since the Thai's have a wonderful way of doing everything. Truly, they have a fabulous aesthetic! And they also have the most fabulous potplants in the most gorgeous pots you can imagine. I spent a very happy day wandering around the backstreets, climbing walls and photographing the wonderful gardens even the poorest people have. No one minded and the owners were even thrilled to see me do it and point out things they themselves thought worth photographing.

Oh, the Jim Thompson Silk Museum is so lovely you must go there. You get so many ideas for your own place just wandering around the house and garden. Truly, it will change the way you live your life. And catch a local riverboat there. It only costs a few baht. 

Oh, oh, oh, and you MUST go to Chatachap Markets. (jewellry shop above) It will astonish you. Honestly, Thai's have to be the most artistic and clever people on earth. This market is full of homemade stuff that will absolutely melt your heart ... and would also open your wallet except it's undoubtedly already been stolen. Pickpockets everywhere. I always keep a decoy wallet atop my real one because I know I'll lose it. And catch the skytrain there. That's really good fun and sooo convenient.

Hope this helps you organise your itinerary. I have heaps more information but I suspect that's all you'll have time for - especially since you'll forever be highjacked by touts, tuktuk and taxi drivers and taken to jewellery shops. Avoid dealing with them since they don't understand the meaning of the word "NO!!!" and they end up wasting huge chunks of your time ... and there's a limit to how many pieces of jewellery you can buy and you don't want to see more stupid bloody sodding WATS than you have to!!!!

A THOUGHT-PROVOKING FORWARD

I have no idea who wrote this, since it was sent to me about sixth-hand, but I absolutely love it. Since I think everyone should realise this, I've included it in here:

TO ALL THE ADULTS AROUND NOW!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then, after we were born, our cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

Growing up, we had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our pushbikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking. We would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a ute on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drink with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and if we didn't we went outside and found some!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given Swiss army knives, slingshots and/or bebe guns before our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Under 12 footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The last 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

CYCLONE LARRY - INNISFAIL, NQ., AUSTRALIA, 2006

In 2006, a Catagory 5 Cyclone, Larry, hit the small town of Innisfail on the East Coast of Queensland, devastating all. My baby sister Jane was in the midst of it all. I've just found her letter from a week after it all happened:

Thanks for the e-mails and the calls. Expect this letter to be a bit distracted as our neighbour Wayne has his generator in the chicken house for us to share (we have it on for 2 hours in the morning and two hours at night.) and this is the first time I've used it for the computer. Already have had a wire catch fire and burn out the battery charger. Power won't be restored for probably two weeks. When you see all the lines all over the roads and have to drive through them you can see why.

We've just got in a crane to get the trees off the roof and right now Peter is trying to get me a clear treeless area around the house. I think the trees did protect us and that's why we've come off so lightly. Julia's old house was blown away completely. That's because it was on a hill without trees. So glad now I didn't buy it and lucky she'd already sold it and moved on or her life would be screwed.

South Johnstone is like a bomb site but we now have a house with spectacular views of hills I never knew were around us. We're all saying we're sure they were pushed up during the winds since they certainly were not there before. All you can hear is the sound of chainsaws going constantly and there is a light at the end of the tunnel which I don't think it is a train coming the other way.

My neighbour Mary's father died in the midst of it all and they will have to leave their chaos and fly to Roma for his funeral. This is a last straw for them and it's hit them both bad. Since Larry, they've turned from a wonderfully competent middle-aged couple into these two frail old people. John's Parkinsons has suddenly become severe and stops him from doing a lot of manual stuff, but he still tries. With Mary you can now see the Alzheimers with her continually repeating things and she is focusing on "We are on a list. They will help us." which she says constantly. I got them tarps for the roof damage and am harrassing the relief workers about their needs. I will try to have things all organised by the time they come back so all this will be less of a burden for them.

The kids have gone down to Townsville to Richard. Talei said she wanted to spend her birthday with her dad but I suspect she really wanted some normality. They also evacuated our Japanese exchange students. They were wonderful throughout, saying things like "I've been in lots of earthquakes but this is so much better." and "This is like an earthquake that lasts for hours." and "This is the most amazing experience of my life!" which really lightened the mood when things got really bad.

What's the story on Cyclone Wati? Did it hit Auckland? Did you hear they were calling Wati "Hopawati" as it was stuck up Larrys behind!!!!

Don't worry about us. Life isn't too bad here. The resilience of human nature is shining through and people have become their best. Shame the foreign and national TV crews always interview the loud wingers which makes us all look bad. Everyone is just great and so courageous. You know, we have nurses here still doing their regular shifts when they have no houses or they're roofless. Lots and lots of homeless, by the way, and we have already taken in large numbers of the elderly who've lost everything and don't feel up to starting again. So lucky our Centre has just completed our extensions, ay? It feels like we were psychic and knew all along this was coming.

Well, I can hear the sound of spluttering so will go before the generator cuts out and I lose this.

DAVID DOES CHINA

Friend David A. is just back from a quick "look-see" up in China. (N.B. All photographs here are by David himself. Don't they look professional.)  Anyway, here's his first report:

FIJI BOY IN CHINA

(in a typical HK pose)

DAVID SAYS:  Beijing and Shanghai were fun. The train was a great way to see it all if you have the time: 

H.K.-Beijing, 

Beijing-Shanghai, 

Shanghai-H.K 

with a soft sleeper cost me under $300 Aus. 

BEIJING

Saw all the attractions: The Forbidden Palace, The Great Wall etc etc. If you're in China the one reason to see Beijing is the history in the place.

SUMMER PALACE:

TIANANMEN SQUARE:

THE GREAT WALL:

BEIJING SHOPPING:

SHANGHAI

Shanghai had an easier feeling about it. More vibrant and more of a buzz. With that came a lot more beggars, hawkers and con artists vying for your money on the street. Every body is trying for their piece of the pie and you have to have your guard up.  (H.K. is really mellow in this regard.) They seem to be ahead of Beijing in the Capitalism stakes. These were my observations in my short 10 day visit. 

DAVID IN SHANGHAI:

Obviously, from the pose, he's been in HK too long!

SHANGHAI BUND: 

SHANGHAI AT NIGHT:

SHANGHAI PARKS:

Have you guys been there? Be interesting to see what you think .

Can't wait to get into the China countryside. That's the next one I think.

Regards, catch up with you soon,

David

Since, no, I haven't yet being to either of these places - our planned trip fell through due to Keith's work. BUT IT WILL HAPPEN!

And, seriously, doesn't this photo look EXACTLY like you'd expect a photo of Tiananmen Square to look like!  So much so, I had to put it here again:

For me, this is China in a nutshell!