BEST BANGKOK ADVICE

Now that I've been to Bangkok many times, I feel I've sorted it all out - as far as anyone can - and can now offer advice. This is a letter to a friend who was going for the first time and wanted to know what was good:

The best advice ever about Bangkok: don't ever try to visit more than five wats (Thai temples) in a year. Yes, they are all different, and yes, they are all beautiful, but when you see lots of them the underlying essential sameness ends up making beauty boring and that's never ever a good thing.

See, our first trip to Bangkok, I got into a very funny discussion about a fountain (the one above) with a lovely Thai gentleman who turned out to be the property billionaire who'd donated this fountain to the public (I've noticed it's now no longer there and I hope it wasn't because of something I'd said.) and after he stopped laughing he asked us what we wanted to do while in Bangkok and I said "See lots and lots of wats." so he magically summoned a car and chauffeur who was instructed to show us lots and lots of wats. 

Well, after seeing six of them in a row we were like "No more. Please, no more." ... and then, for the sake of good manners, we saw another twelve of the stupid bloody things and after that it was good-manners-be-damned, we were out of there. I was so over-dosed by that experience that these days even a glimpse of yet another sodding wat and I'm ready to run away screaming.

But you do need to at least see a couple of wats because that's what Thailand is really all about.

Wats to see? Go to The King's Palace for the most beautiful and, as a bonus, you get your five all in one hit. Oh, and F.Y.I., here's a warning: the touts outside the palace always say "The palace is shut for lunch" or whatever and tell you that you have two hours before it opens again and offer you a sight-seeing tour to fill your time. It's all lies!!! They take you to jewellery shops and a wat or two ... and meanwhile the palace was open the whole time. There are all these signs INSIDE the palace warning you about it, but, like, isn't that too late?

Oh, and my other piece of very best advice for Bangkok is to, as far as possible, avoid taking cars and instead take the local river boats along Chaos Praya and the klongs. It's so nice and cool on the water, waaayy cheaper than taxis or tuktuks - and no one highjacks you to take you to jewellery shops - plus it's the way Bangkok is meant to be seen - Southeast Asia's Venice - and you get to avoid all the petrol fumes and hideous traffic congestion that make this gorgeous city "just another Asian destination".

Other things worth seeing? Everything, I think, since the Thai's have a wonderful way of doing everything. Truly, they have a fabulous aesthetic! And they also have the most fabulous potplants in the most gorgeous pots you can imagine. I spent a very happy day wandering around the backstreets, climbing walls and photographing the wonderful gardens even the poorest people have. No one minded and the owners were even thrilled to see me do it and point out things they themselves thought worth photographing.

Oh, the Jim Thompson Silk Museum is so lovely you must go there. You get so many ideas for your own place just wandering around the house and garden. Truly, it will change the way you live your life. And catch a local riverboat there. It only costs a few baht. 

Oh, oh, oh, and you MUST go to Chatachap Markets. (jewellry shop above) It will astonish you. Honestly, Thai's have to be the most artistic and clever people on earth. This market is full of homemade stuff that will absolutely melt your heart ... and would also open your wallet except it's undoubtedly already been stolen. Pickpockets everywhere. I always keep a decoy wallet atop my real one because I know I'll lose it. And catch the skytrain there. That's really good fun and sooo convenient.

Hope this helps you organise your itinerary. I have heaps more information but I suspect that's all you'll have time for - especially since you'll forever be highjacked by touts, tuktuk and taxi drivers and taken to jewellery shops. Avoid dealing with them since they don't understand the meaning of the word "NO!!!" and they end up wasting huge chunks of your time ... and there's a limit to how many pieces of jewellery you can buy and you don't want to see more stupid bloody sodding WATS than you have to!!!!