My New Zealand Story: 1981

I appear to have offended several Kiwis with my last post ... and since I'm on a roll let's push the boundaries further. Although, these days, NZ isn't exactly the place in the story I'm about to tell you anymore, this is, for me, the quintessential story about being a Kiwi!

Backstory: My baby sister Jane went to boarding school in New Zealand. She then stayed on to do University there, in Hamilton, a small town about a hundred kms to the south of Auckland.

As the result of another long, hilarious and gorgeous story (which I won't tell you since I plan to one day write it up into a film script), a British film producer gave Baby Jane his house in Hamilton to use while she was studying, and, once in possession of the house, like a true boarding school kid, immediately moved in her former dorm-mates - The Possum Gang! - who were also studying at Hamilton Uni.

In 1981, I went over to visit her and this story is something that happened then!

First off, it wasn't a house, it was a mansion: Art Deco, golden granite exterior, two all-marble bathrooms, four enormous bedrooms, bay windows and window-seats everyplace, round living and dining rooms, enormous chandeliers in every room, and, most gorgeously, a larger-than-life Blackamoor statue holding up sconces in the marble hallway ... no, most gorgeously an entire wall of glass looking out over the sloping garden down to a willow-lined river ... no, most gorgeously ... what the heck! .... we are talking outrageously gorgeous everywhere!

"We don't like it." the Possum Gang told me.

"How can you not love it?" I pleaded.

"We aren't allowed to put up our Sarah Moon posters!" said one Possum! "And that statue is so creepy." said another. "And our neighbours are H.O.M.O.S.E.X.U.A.L.S!' said yet another, all pursed lips and shuddering. "You are at U.N.I.V.E.R.S.I.T.Y now." I told her. "You are allowed to call them G.A.Y.S!"

And then I was given the choice of any one of the three remaining bedrooms because ... they'd all put their beds into a single room, dorm-style!

"Your friends are all very sweet." I said to Baby Jane later, "But how can you stand them?"

"You haven't seen the best of it yet." Baby Jane said. "Wait until this afternoon!"

That afternoon, a Friday, at 5pm, Baby Jane takes me into a spare bedroom and we sit in a window seat, peering out curtains of the bay window, watching the circular driveway: "What you are about to witness will shock you to your core!" says Baby Jane. "It has shocked me for over five years and continues to shock me to this day!"

OK, 5.05pm, a dust-covered British-racing-green Jag turns into the driveway, driven by a tweed-clad anxious-looking dad, and it stops at the front door. A spotty brother gets out of the front seat, knocks at the door, then carries a Possum's bag out to the car. Possum comes out, stands there waiting for spotty brother to open the door to the back seat, then gets in and they drive off.

"OK. I found that kinda sweet." I said. "Ultra-conservative, but sweet!"

"It's not over." says Baby Jane. "Just you wait!"

5.10pm, a dust-covered British-racing-green Jag turns into the driveway, driven by a tweed-clad anxious-looking dad, and it stops at the front door. A spotty brother gets out of the front seat, knocks at the door, then carries a Possum's bag out to the car. Possum comes out, stands there, waiting for spotty brother to open the door to the back seat, then gets in and they drive off.

"Didn't that just happen?" I said.

"It isn't over yet!" says Baby Jane.

5.15pm, a dust-covered British-racing-green Jag turns into the driveway, driven by a tweed-clad anxious-looking dad, and it stops at the front door. A spotty brother gets out of the front seat, knocks at the door, then carries a Possum's bag out to the car. Possum comes out, stands there, waiting for spotty brother to open the door to the back seat, then gets in and they drive off.

"OK, this is a joke, right. They drive around the corner, toss her out, and then swing by to pick up another one!" I said.

"Nope!"

5.20pm, and a dust-covered British-racing-green Jag turns into the driveway ...

"OK, you have me! I'm totally weirded out!" I say ... but it wasn't over ...

5.25pm and yup! dusty green Jag, tweedy anxious dad, spotty brother!

"How can they tell which is their own dusty green Jag, tweedy father and spotty brother? I couldn't! And what would happen if they got into the wrong car? Do you think they'd notice?"

"Probably not!" said Baby Jane. "And you should have seen it at school! Every Friday afternoon. And that exact thing. Over and over!"

Yup! That was New Zealand back in 1981! Sweet, yes, but also very, very, very SAD!!!!