What Kills Us This Week! Explained!

There's a sociologist in HK at the moment trying to discover exactly why Hong Kongers have this marked tendency to THREATDOWN!! That is, as you know, the tendency to instantly panic over the smallest thing!

What he's discovered so far is that two out of five folk are deeply Biophobic! Like, deeply, deeply scared of Nature. Trees terrify them, being off the beaten track frightens them, and even the thought of getting mud on themselves fills them with anguish and they instantly break down into tears.

Two out of five? In a population of 7 million, that's ... what? You do the maths, but I know that's over 2 million people out there who are These Sorts of People.

You'll recall that Lady Southorn predicted it: she said, back in the 1930s, that nothing good would come from raising children in high apartment blocks away from Nature and that's why she bought three city blocks in Wan Chai to build Southorn Playground ...


... so the children of Wan Chai could play with their feet on mud. But, as you can see, the authorities instantly paved over the ground, so no doubt there was already a Cult of Biophobia already existing back in the 1930s.

Let me tell you two quick stories, although neither are set in HK:

1) When I was at university in Australia, back in the 80s, I was walking along the side of Brisbane River with my friend Teri when her cap blew off and landed on the mud flats below. She loved that cap and was looking distressed, so "Come on" I said, kicking off my shoes and rolling up my jeans. I slipped over the wall, down onto the mud, and walked over to the cap - all that delicious squelching with each step - picked it up and started to walk back. That's when I noticed Teri had joined me on the mud but had only taken a single step. She was standing there frozen with tears streaming down her face.

"What's the matter?"
"I've got mud on my feet!"
"There's a tap right over there in the park."
"No, you don't get it. I've got mud on my feet!"
"It washes off!"
"No. It's mud. It's on my feet!"
"And ...?"

But, alas, she couldn't explain. I didn't get it either. Here she is, totally amidst "A dog ate my baby!" level breakdown, deeply distressed and acting like she'd been deeply violated ... and it was over MUD ON HER FEET! It washes off, you know! I thought it was the oddest thing I'd ever come across and wondered why we'd become friends in the first place.

2) When I was about ten, I was walking along the waterfront of Suva Harbour from the Civic Centre to the bus stop.

This particular stretch of 
Suva waterfront.

Photo stolen from Jon

It was about fifteen minutes after a storm ended and the sky was still gunmetal grey and the sea was still choppy. Walking along, I noted there was a cruise ship in port - P&O's Canberra - and tourists were only just coming ashore, obviously staying aboard to avoid the storm.

I'd been rehearsing for some ballet-thing, and had thrown my dress on over my leotard and stockings and was wearing my beautiful brand-new cork-soled platform shoes; the first pair ever in Fiji, and I was just so proud of them.

Anyway, trying to avoid puddles because I'd been told the cork would disintegrate if it got wet, I noticed a tourist boy about my age standing on the sea wall with all the British adults around saying "Get down off there, Anthony. It's dangerous."

Yup! Eye-rolling stupidity! And then, suddenly and inexplicably, Anthony falls off the wall and into the water!

The tide was only half-in which meant the water was only waist-deep, and there was a set of stairs only three paces away, so he was in absolutely no danger whatsoever: he just had to stand up and walk to the steps.

But these British tourists had started to scream hysterically. Huh? I was about to walk past these ridiculous folk, snorting contemptuously, when I realised Anthony was about to drown. No, I'm serious. Here he is, in no danger whatsoever, and he's in the water flailing around in a panic and these adults are flaming his fear with all their ridiculous hysterical panicking, and, yes, he's about to DIE!

But I'm wearing my new cork shoes! I cleaned windows for two months to pay for them!

I keep waiting for one of the adults to pull themselves together enough to do something but they are completely gone; completely fallen apart, so I actually think for a moment that they're all so stupid they deserve this, before - yeah! yeah! - thinking I should save my shoes by kicking them off, but ... there's broken bottles down there and I'll get cut feet and, worse, ruin my stockings ... so I go down the steps, lower myself into the water, walk the three steps to Anthony, grab him by the hair - I could have grabbed his shirt but I was so angry - and drag him back to the steps.

Then all these ridiculous adults are crying all over me and calling me a hero and I can feel my cork heels crushing under my feet and I'm just so furious and thinking "Less of this hero nonsense; more of bringing out cheque-books and paying for my destroyed shoes." but they were too stupid and ridiculous to even think of it.

And then, when I got home I got in trouble for ruining my shoes and stockings, and I just wished I'd left Anthony to get his come-uppance, the ridiculous boy; my own age and unable to even save himself when he wasn't even in any danger whatsoever.


Anyway, those two stories are increasingly coming to mind and what fills me with such horror is that THESE are the exact same folk who people HK! And instead of being treated with the derision and contempt such stupidity richly deserves, they are actually the folk who RUN HK; yes, these ridiculous folk who fall apart when they touch mud, AND who panic when there's absolutely no reason to; who just stop thinking in the face of the tiniest hint of a crisis!

No wonder we're all on the verge of losing outdoor dining! Gosh, they make me so cross! And here's the petition for us to sign to attempt stopping this ridiculousness from happening:

So that's my choice for this week:

THREATDOWN

Biophobes running a country!